Week 177 : Sounds Like Trouble


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Aug 4, 1996

Week 177: Sounds Like Trouble

What is "Fa la la la la la la la thud"?

What is "Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG"?

What is "E-I-E-I-Ow"?

What is "Whoooooo? Whoooooo? Ewwwwwww . . . "?

What is "Kevork Kevork"?

What is "Hamahamahamahamahamahama"?

What is "Fizz Fizz Plop Plop"?

This week's contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a genuine 1950s-era "Peter Meter." Jonathan suggests that you tell us what any of the above sounds are. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied doofuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 177, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 12. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Jean Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 174, in which you were asked to complete any one of four sentences.

Fourth Runner-Up: Your spouse might be taking you for granted if . . . he asks you to pretend to be his sister when he introduces you to his new secretary. (Douglas Bailey, Baldwinsville, N.Y.)

Third Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . during your operation, he leaves an airline liquor bottle in you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Second Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if . . . the diplomas on his wall are on fax paper. (David Genser, Vienna)

First Runner-Up: You might have a bad doctor if ... you can see his butt crack. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

And the winner of the "Independence Day" dartboard:

You might have a bad doctor if ... you see him at the drugstore, asking the pharmacist for advice. (Alice Blackburn, Vienna)

Honorable Mentions

You might have a bad doctor if:

... he ends every sentence with "Bada-bing, bada-boom." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

... he says, "I think we better try bleeding you." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

... he moonlights at Jiffy Lube. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata)

. .. he saves used tongue depressors to make Popsicles for the neighborhood kids. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

... his surgical mask is made out of human skin. (Eli M. Gateff, Springfield)

... his diploma is from Starfleet Academy (Jan Schloo, Rockville).

... he introduces himself by saying "Hi, I'll be your `doctor' today" -- with hand quotes. (Jon Miller and Brian Thurber, Bethesda)

... you can tell he expects a tip. (George Wetherill, Washington)

Your kid might be hanging with the wrong crowd if...

.. he calls his kindergarten teacher "Gangsta Bitch." (Nick Dierman, Potomac; Jeremy Hancock, Arlington)

. .. you start most discussions with him by saying, "Put the gun down ..." (Norman Wesley, Pittsburgh)

... his friends have either been "whacked" or are "in the joint." (Jim Seibert, Arlington)

... he asks for his allowance in "Camel Cash." (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

... he has Astroturf lining his truck bed, but won't say what it's for. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

... he suggests it might be a good idea to bulletproof the family car. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

... even John Thompson wouldn't recruit him. (Katherine L. George, Haymarket)

You might consider cutting back on your drinking if. . .

.... you have no idea how that mailbox became attached to your wrist. (Stacey Kahn, Washington)

... you find yourself wasting your heroin money on drinks. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

... paint thinner is becoming too pretentious for you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

... you keep getting arrested for relieving yourself on airline beverage carts. (Leslie A. Pierce, Alexandria; Russell Beland, Springfield)

... you find yourself choosing your wardrobe by what won't show vomit stains. (Earl Gilbert, La Plata)

.. your latest get-rich-quick scheme is to win the Style Invitational. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Your spouse might be taking you for granted if ... ... she makes you sleep on the wet spot -- in the cat box. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

... his idea of housework is remembering to flush the toilet. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

... she stays up all night talking to Eleanor Roosevelt. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And Last:

... she no longer finds you witty and contends unfairly that your sense of humor is infantile and fixated on bodily functions, such as farting. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

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