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Week 176 : WRITE IN THE KISSER


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 28, 1996

Bill Clinton, as described by Raymond Chandler:

He walked into the room like a doughnut rolls off an assembly line. He was tall but soft, like a Shirley Temple in a highball glass. His hair was as stiff as a dead butler and the color of four-day-old snow at a La Cienega construction site. He talked slow and soggy, kind of muffled. You heard guys talk like that through tincan telephones, but you were a kid, and they weren't the president of the United States and you didn't have to say yes sir and suck down your doubts like a sump pump in a flooded basement.

Today's contest: In the style of any famous writer, living or dead, write a description of one of these people: Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Prince Charles or Sylvester Stallone. Maximum, 100 words. First-prize winner gets a fabulous deer's-teeth-and-twine necklace worn by men who get together in the forest and beat drums and commune with their inner animal selves and generally behave like potbellied dufuses. It is worth about $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 176, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary.

The Faerie of The Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks Bob Sorensen of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employes of The Washington Post and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 173, in which you were asked to come up with a question that a living celebrity might ask a dead celebrity, in the style of Hillary Clinton's questions to Eleanor Roosevelt. Many, many people had either RuPaul or Dennis Rodman asking J. Edgar Hoover where to find size 12EEE red pumps.

Fifth Runner-Up: Bob Dole to Rutherford B. Hayes -- "Why did you lie about my record?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

[Table]
Fourth Runner-Up: Kurt Waldheim to Adolf Hitler -- "Okay,

but is it a DRY heat?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up: Madonna to the Madonna -- "So, how did you convince your guy you weren't cheating?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Second Runner-Up: Albert Belle to Babe Ruth -- "What the &+$% are YOU looking at?" (Steven King, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up: Sen. Alfonse D'Amato to Eleanor Roosevelt -- "Er, did she happen to mention Whitewater?" (Susan Reese, Arlington)

And the winner of the inflatable Mona Lisa:

Dan Quayle to Martin Luther -- "What inspired you to write that great `I Have a Dream' speech?" (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg)

Honorable Mentions:

Lillian Vernon to P.T. Barnum: "Every minute? More like every second!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Pope John Paul II to Pope John Paul I: "Okay, I give up. How DO you keep a Polish person in suspense?" (Dave Curtis, Ijamsville)

Madonna to Frank Zappa: "Got any ideas for a boy's name?" (Ken Marsh, Fairfax)

Cecil Jacobson to Casanova: "So. How many kids YOU got?" (Rahul Simha, Williamsburg)

Bob Hope to Bing Crosby -- "You're never going to believe this, but they found out about the hookers and you know what? No one gave a rat's butt!" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Shirley MacLaine to Shirley MacLaine: "What would you do in my situation?" (Russell Beland, Springfield; Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Don Imus to Will Rogers: "We haven't met, have we?" (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Hsing-Hsing to Ling-Ling: "Why did you have to eat that imported bamboo? Now it's just me and the tire." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

[Table]
Marcel Marceau to Harpo Marx: (Jennifer Hart,

Arlington)

Leona Helmsley to Saint Peter: "You've reserved me a choice seat by the Right Hand, haven't you? I'll make it worth your while." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Geraldo Rivera to Ludwig Van Beethoven: "Mr. Beethoven, if you . . . Mr. Beethoven? MISTER BEETHOVEN!!!" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)

Madonna to Joan of Arc: "Couldn't you have saved yourself by just boinking a king or something?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Larry King to Adolf Hitler: "What was your most embarrassing moment?" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Tori Spelling to Pythagoras: "Like, if Valerie loves Brandon, and Brandon loves Kelly, can Kelly love Brandon without Valerie going postal?" (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Kathie Lee Gifford to Jesus Christ: "I have only one question. Isn't Cody ADORABLE?" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Connie Chung to Felix Frankfurter: "Is that really your name?" (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Post comics editor to Walt Kelly: "How about making it `We have met the enemy and he is a curmudgeonly fuzzybunny with a heart of gold.' " (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Alicia Silverstone to Adolf Hitler: "Omigod, like, what was your deal?" (Scott Aukema, Alexandria)

Binyamin Netanyahu to Moses: "Couldn't you have turned RIGHT at the oil fields instead?" (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring)

And last:

Bill Clinton to John F. Kennedy: "How many people do you think will have me talking to you for this contest?" (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

(Answer: More than 100.)

NEXT WEEK: THE EDGE OF MIGHT


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