Week 166 : Doo Wah Doody

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Copyright The Washington Post Company May 19, 1996

If I was a sculptor, but then again no

Or a man who makes potions in a traveleing show

Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. -- Bernie Taupin and Elton John

I am, I said

To no one there

And no one heard at all,

Not even the chair.

--Neil Diamond

Eleanor, you're so groovy

Let's go out to a movie. . .

--The Turtles

You're a hot-blooded woman child

And its warm where you're touchin' me

And I can tell from the look in your eye

You're seein' way too much of me.

--Mac Davis

This week's contest is a Style Invitational first, inasmuch as you do not have to make up the answers; in fact, you may not make up the answers. We are looking for really bad lyrics to real rock songs. This contest has been endorsed by Dave Barry, who is compiling a book of atrocious rock lyrics. Dave has graciously permitted us to steal his idea, because Dave is an ardent supporter of the First Amendment, because he believes in the unfettered marketplace of public discourse, and because this contest will supply about a million man-hours of free research for him. Your lyrics must be from a reasonably popular song, and you must include the name of the song and the singer or songwriter. Bad lyrics can result from horrible rhymes, infantile imagery, moronic observations or whatever else makes for execrable songwriting. Please note that we are not looking for country-western tunes, whose lyrics are often deliberately comical or self-consciously maudlin. First-Prize winner gets what may be our finest prize ever, "Mr. Dip Lip," an oral surgeon's scientific demonstration model of the human mouth, complete with with gingivitis, a malignant tongue tumor, really crummy teeth, and various oozing lesions as might be caused by the use of chewing tobacco. Donated by Dave Barry, this fine item has a value of $100. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 166, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Paul Kondis of Alexandria for today's Ear No One Reads. Washington Post employees and their families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 163, in which you were invited to mate any two horses from the 1996 Triple Crown contenders and name their hypothetical foal. Several liaisons were simply too obvious and therefore won nothing. These included using Afleetaffair to beget Tailhook, and using Beefchopper to beget (need we say it?) Lorena.

Third Runner-Up: Mate Monkey Seventeen with Grindstone and name the foal Rhesus Pieces (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Second Runner-Up: Mate On Line with Gotcha and name the foal Mitsubishi (Charlie Myers, Laurel)

First Runner-Up: Mate Blow Out with Editor's Note and name the foal "Alleged" Unabomber (Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

And the winner of the prize so disgusting its name cannot be spoken:

Mate Call for Change with Tiz the Whiz and name the foal Pay Toilet (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Honorable Mentions:

Rod and Staff x Innovative = Twilight Zone (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Rocket Flash x Gryphon = MIRV Gryphon (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Body Snatcher x Dr. Canton = Dead Man Wokking (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Daygata x Defleet = Italian Navy's Loss (Jerry Mayer, Arlington)

Spellbounder x Talculating = Spelcheker (David Genser, Vienna)

Skullbuster x Optic Nerve = Creamed Cornea (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Andtheliviniseasy x Doublethebettwice = Fixthedamnspacebar (Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Murray Novack x Pugnacious = Robert Novak (David Smith, Greenbelt)

Grindstone x Con Artist = I Knew He'd Win (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Daygata x Hello Houston = Wegata Problem (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Chalk Time x Fly Straight = Tailored Crotch (J.F. Martin, Falls Church)

Uncle Abie x Murray Novack = Yenta's Goof (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Oompahpah x Optic Nerve = Polka Your Eyes Out (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Naskra's Ferrari x Our Secret Affair = Ex-Wife's Ferrari (John Kammer, Herndon)

Special Moments x A Big Bear = Kodiak Moments (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

Take a Bow x Smithfield = Ham Actor (Robin Kreisberg, Harrisonburg)

Tens of Thousands x One More Power = Hundreds of Thousands (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Fast Departure x Blushing Jim = Thats OK Honey (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Russian Emperor x Gold Fever = Yurika (Larry Bodin, Columbia)

Naskra's Ferrari x Painted Naskra = Whodahecks Naskra (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

King's English x Gotcha = Have You (Russ Beland, Springfield)

On Line x Dothebucket = Leary's Last Laugh (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Head Minister x Blow Out = Divine Brown (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Joe Jones x Murray Novack = Some Guy (Robert Fike, Alexandria)

Editor's Note x Rage = Rewrite This Crap (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Rod and Staff x Mount Fuzzy = Newborn (Steven M. Jacoby, College Park)

Polish Love x Beyond Comparison = My Sales Pitch (Mark Piotrowski, Arlington)

Firey Jennifer x Fibrillation = Hart Attack (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And Last:

E.C.'s Dream x Firey Jennifer = Dream On, Elden (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, and Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

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Language: English
Publication title: The Washington Post (pre-1997 Fulltext)

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