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Week 141 : Ask Backward VII


prizes.

Full Text (820   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 26, 1995

Wet Hogs in Hot Pants

The Tenor Luciano Buttafuoco

Harold P. Christ

Monstrous Pillars of Interstellar Gas

A Toothbrush, a Comb and a Ball Peen Hammer

(a pic of Hobbes the tiger)

Twelve Angry Mennonites

Larry S Truman

Ace Ventura and the Hon. William Rehnquist

St. Augustine of Hippo, but Not Fat Joe Waldholtz

Betty Rodham Boop

Mailbombs and Broomsticks

This Week's Contest has become something of a Style Invitational seasonal tradition, like congealed giblet gravy. You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? First-prize winner gets a rare rubber Walter Mondale Halloween mask, a value of $35. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 141, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec 4 . Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 138, in which we asked you to write Letterman-like list items for one of four subjects: Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial; questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate; reasons to bring back the Cold War; and totally new euphemisms for sex.

First Runner-Up:

A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate:

"What is the most ethnically offensive word or phrase you have ever heard, and will you please use it in a sentence?" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

And the Winner of the plastic model of a human foot:

A question that should never be asked at a presidential debate:

"If elected, would you prefer to be assassinated by a Middle Eastern terrorist, an American right-wing extremist or a member of a fanatical religious sect?" (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Honorable Mentions:

Totally new euphemisms for the sex act

5. "Makin' zygotes." (Paul Styrene, Olney)

4. "Practicing docking maneuvers." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

3. "The beast with four kidneys." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

2. "Carnal tunnel syndrome." (Joel Bernstein and Donna Singletary, Arlington)

1. "Negotiating with Chairman Arafat." (Bob London, Washington)

Lessons to be learned from the O.J. trial

7. Tonya wasn't so bad. (Steven King, Alexandria)

6. White Broncos make nice pace cars. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

5. Idiot racist cops are actually conspiracy masterminds. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

4. The conscientious murderer always wears properly fitting designer gloves. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

3. Always use the Lost & Found. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

2. Handy tip for jurors: Thoughtfully deliberating and carefully reflecting on months of proceedings, dozens of witnesses and reams of conflicting evidence is an arduous task -- but it doesn't have to take all day. (Allan Rostron, N.Y.C.)

1. Marcia Clark ought to have that black thing on her lip checked out. (Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Reasons the Cold War should be started again

3. It will give the militias something real to worry about. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

2. It might keep Bob Hope out of the country more. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

1. Because "C'mon baby, we could be dead in six minutes" just doesn't work like it used to. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Questions that should never be asked at a presidential debate:

10. "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

9. "Has it ever occurred to you that the Electoral College does not have a football team? Should it?" (Steve Cohen, Reston)

8. "Can I be your press secretary?" (Adam Korengold, College Park)

7. "Who are you? Why are you here?" (Stu Segal, Vienna)

6. "Have you had any affairs with loose, attractive women? If so, may I have their phone numbers?" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

5. "Would-ums wike some pudding?" (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.)

4. "To candidate Number 1: Where have you been? Why haven't you called? I thought we had something beautiful, something special." (S.W. Green, Carlisle, Pa.)

3. "What one piece of information would be most damaging to your campaign if it were revealed?" (Eric Stone, Arlington)

2. "If you were a man trapped in a woman's body, would you wear conservative flats or radical heels?" (Tina McMullin, Hagerstown)

1. "Excuse me for interrupting, but would any of you gentlemen happen to know exactly how long before a grenade blows up after the pin is pulled?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Next Week: Employment Lines

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staacke For Twp


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