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Week 122 : The Unkindest Cute of All


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 16, 1995

This week's contest was suggested by Gary Patishnock of Laurel, who wins the following anagram of his name: "Crap-stink hoagy." Gary suggests that we try to help out old Charles Schulz, a once-brilliant, cutting-edge cartoonist whose X-Acto knife appears to have dulled just a bit over the years. Personally, we trace the decline of "Peanuts" to the introduction of Woodstock, the witless bird who talks in apostrophes. Whatever happened to Linus, the philosopher? To Pig Pen, the disagreeable little dirtball? What's up with this dog who talks to cactuses? Why has nothing funny happened since 1962? How can we help Charles Schulz reanimate "Peanuts"? Your challenge is to come up with a new story line for the strip, some plot development or new character that will put the strip back on the road to relevance. You don't have to draw it. Just describe it. We'll handle the art. First-prize winner gets his or her idea illustrated by Bob Staake. We would promise you the "original" illustration, but there is no such thing as an "original" Staake illustration. Staake faxes us his cartoons. We have never actually met him. We are not even certain for sure that he exists. "Bob Staake" could be a boiler room operation employing 200 illegal alien artists from Honduras and Benin, for all we know. So what you will get is a fax of your idea illustrated by someone, or some enterprise, doing business as Bob Staake. We will frame it. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 122, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 24. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print "&" the Ear No One Reads thanks Russell Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 119, in which we asked you for unfortunate Muzak tunes to hear while on hold. Several excellent entries proved too popular for prizes: "It's My Party (and I'll Cry if I Want To)" while on hold for the Democratic National Committee; "I Feel the Earth Move" while on hold for the L.A. Chamber of Commerce; and "You're Having My Baby" while on hold at the office of Cecil Jacobson, MD.

Fourth Runner-Up -- While on hold at John Bobbitt's house: "It Won't Be Long" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up -- While on hold at the D.C. Tourist Center: "We Gotta Get Out of This Place" (John Davey, Oakton)

Second Runner-Up -- While on hold at the Psychic Friends Network: "Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. . ." (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

First Runner-Up -- While on hold at Intel: "25 or 6 to 4" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

And the Winner of the 11-volume set of the complete works of Kahlil Gibran:

While on hold at Hugh Grant's house: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter" (Howard Tenenbaum, Silver Spring)

Honorable Mentions:

At a Chinese restaurant: "Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Elizabeth Arden headquarters: "Maybelline" (Susan Wilkerson, Arlington; Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Hugh Grant: "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Pepto-Bismol headquarters: "Born to Run" (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring; Tina Ament, Washington)....

Bob Packwood's office: "Octopus's Garden" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

While on hold to order flowers for your dear aunt's funeral: "Red Roses for a Blue Lady" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Hugh Grant: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills; Marcia Doran, Laurel)

Kato Kaelin's house: "They're gonna put me in the movies / They're gonna make a big star outta me / The biggest fool to ever hit the big time/ and all I gotta do is act naturally." (Jan Verrey, Alexandria)

Colgate-Palmolive: "Ode to Joy" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Suicide Hotline: "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares" (Greg Gust, Washington; Karen K. Kirschenbauer, Middleburg, Va.)

The time recording: "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" (Eric Barr, Front Royal)

The proctologist: "Fixing a Hole" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

William Aramony: "If I Only Had a Brain" (Moe Hammond, Falls Church)

Ron Goldman's House: "Torn Between Two Lovers" (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Hyundai: "Everything Put Together Falls Apart" (Skip Flegnaut, Wheaton)

A custom home builder: Schubert's Unfinished Symphony (Ted Hudson, Alexandria)

A shelter for battered women: "Stand by Your Man" (Anne Levy, Annandale)

The Unabomber's house: "Return to Sender" (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

LAPD: "The Beat Goes On" (Janice M. Hall, Alexandria)

Hugh Grant: Anything by Cheap Trick (Timothy Morgen, Laurel)

ACLU: "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" (James Foster, Silver Spring)

UNLV: "We don't need no edjookayshun. . ." (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

A proctologist: "Every Little Movement Has a Meaning All Its Own" (Sylvia Byrne, Arlington)

A plastic surgeon: "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

Trojan Condoms: "Break On Through" (Andrew D. Culhane, Greenbelt)

The Michigan Militia: "I've never been to Heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma. . . " (Sarah Bardos, Arlington)

Phil Gramm's office: "Tangled Up in Blue" (Joe Harder, Charlottesville)

VD treatment center: "Great Balls of Fire" (Clark & Kathryn Kidd, Sterling)

Dan Quayle's home: "R-E-S-P-E-T-C" (Heather Jamieson, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Simile Outrageous

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp


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