Week 97 : Newtonian Philosophy

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 22, 1995

Week 97: Newtonian Philosophy

Newt Gingrich on the sexes:

"Women don't have upper body strength but are better with laptops. Men are better in traditional combat roles because if women had to spend a month in a ditch, they would get infections. But men are basically little piglets who like to roll around in mud. Women, though, would be better sitting around at consoles and directing warship traffic because men get frustrated sitting down since they are biologically programmed to go out and hunt giraffes."

This Week's Contest was suggested by the incredible Newt Gingrich, who wins a tube of Monistat 7. Newt teaches a college course on American Civilization, and when we read quotations from one of his lectures in Wednesday's Reliable Source (appearing above in slightly condensed form) we saw Week 97 written all over it. Your challenge is to Come up with more Newtonian philosophy to explain the differences between men and women, Democrats and Republicans, dogs and cats, whatever needs explaining. The world according to Newt. Fifty words or fewer. First-prize winner gets a pet salamander, a value of $75. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 97, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print also solicits examples of corny Hillary-isms, like `Okey Dokey, Artichokey,' disclosed by The Washington Post last weekend. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 94, in which you were asked to submit entries to any previous contest. But first, a special hello to Jacob Weinstein of McLean, who politely wonders if we are ever going to get around to sending him the Jinx Remover candle he won in Week 39 or thereabouts. He has been hesitant to complain before now because he fears we might get mad and make fun of him in print. Jacob, you truly wound us. We apologize for the delay. Your candle is on the way. And it is just the right shape, if you get our drift.

Anyway, the most appalling and shameless entry received this week was from Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who, thinking she could curry favor with the Czar of the Style Invitational and win a T-shirt, knit him a handsome sweater. It has a rat motif. Sarah, if the Czar were the kind of person whose influence could be bought so cheaply, this would be one lame-brained, crappy excuse for a contest, now wouldn't it? Sarah wins a T-shirt.

Second Runner-Up:

From the contest in which you create a new expression by adding or deleting a letter from an old expression:

"Ma About You" - New TV show in which Connie Chung interviews your mother and gets her to disclose stupid things you said or believe. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

First Runner-Up:

From the contest seeking double dactyls:

Accurate, shmaccurate!

Olivers, North and Stone

Find fudging history

Hard to resist.

Their troubles adhering to


Earn them the nickname of

Olivers Twist.

(Beryl Benderly, Washington)

And the winner of velvet painting of Dogs Playing Pool:

(Casting celebrities in well-known roles from TV or movies):

Sharon Pratt Kelly as Tweety Bird. (Gary McKethan, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Double dactyls:

Lickety Stickety

Lady Madonna

Showed us her midriff and

Much more than that.

Now even herdsmen in


Know she exemplifies

"{Censored} for tat."

(David Mills, Los Angeles)

"Jeopardy!" questions:

Answer: A great big sucking sound. Question: What has replaced "Hail to the Redskins" as the team song?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Topics for a TV talk show:

Women who leave the toilet seat up.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Change one letter in an expression:

Star Trek: The Newt Generation: A rousing adventure of space exploration, with a smaller budget and no aliens.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

A new motto for the District of Columbia:

Tread on Me.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Good-news/bad-news scenarios:

The good news: The Redskins have decided to change their name. Bad news: They will now be called the Washington Wagon Burners.

(Mark Miller, Vienna)

Bad ideas for Style Invitational contests:

Come up with humorous reasons why you cannot invent an excuse for not being able to come up with humorous names for people who cannot come up with good Style Invitational entries.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Suggest alternate names The Washington Post could have if it were published elsewhere. Example: The Baltimore Post.

(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Make up a really bad name for a new car. Example: The Plymouth Crapola.

(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Dividing the world into two kinds of people:

There are people who are respectful of their fellow human beings, and then you have all the other scum-sucking pus-wads.

(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

New urban legends:

Chap Stick has become less hard and waxy over the years as

the company has gradually added chunks of human lips to the mix.

(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Ideas for performance art:

In an arena, spectators are formed into teams and equipped to test the feasibility of some well-known but difficult tasks. They will: (1) nail Jell-O to the wall; (2) shovel sand against the tide; (3) take a long walk off a short pier; (4) attempt to get blood from a stone; and (5) go $%+&@ themselves.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)


John Wayne Bobbitt - Fondly Re-membered.

(Steven Smith, St. Mary's City, Md.)

A new name for the Redskins:

(symbol of Prince, with football at top.)

(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Good things about West Virginia:

If it weren't for West Virginia, you couldn't have your dead tree cut down for just $200 (cash only) by two guys in a 1973 pickup with no bumpers, and get to watch it fall through your neighbor's roof. (Carleton MacDonald, Gaithersburg)

What God looks like:

I am not sure, but He definitely doesn't resemble anything from West Virginia. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Interesting pranks:

Write an indignant letter to the editor in the Post under the name of Sen. Jay Rockefeller, humorlessly defending the state of West Virginia and denouncing the Style Invitational. Then submit a flurry of Sen. Rockefeller put-downs to the Style Invitational.

(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)


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