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Week 91 : Ask Backward IV


Laurel)

Full Text (960   words)
Copyright The Washington Post Company Dec 11, 1994

McGovernicks

It's Not A Pun. It's A Bagel.

Marge, O.J., and Alan K.

Mrs. Howell, but Not Gilligan

Eenie Meenie Miney Moo

Spelling, Punctuation and Gas

Jack Kent Goldfarb

Moses, Jesus, and Cool "Disco" Dan

Those Seven Tobacco Company Executives

Pliny The Elder, but not Snoop Doggy Dogg

The Mighty Morphin Power Dentists

The Kid Who Plays D.J. on "Roseanne"

This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" These are the answers. What are the questions? Answer one or more. First-prize winner receives a festive clock made from a rotary saw blade, plus a bust of Chopin, a total value of $30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 91, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 88, in which you were asked how things will be different now that Republicans have ascended to power. But first, an observation. A careful reading of your entries detected just the weensiest suggestion of bitterness ("Welfare moms will be roasted on spits, basted with the sweat of decent working stiffs, and fed to fat-assed philandering robber baron industrialists ..."), leading us to conclude that the regular readers of the Style Invitational are - how can we put this most kindly? - pinkos and McGovernicks.

Just an observation.

Third Runner-Up: Food stamps will be replaced with Gruel Stamps. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: The Environmental Protection Agency's role will be limited to cleaning up after the mounted cavalry in the annual Armed Forces Day parade. (Philip "Dipstick" Delduke, Bethesda)

First Runner-Up: Restaurants will no longer offer Smoking and Nonsmoking sections. From now on it will be Regular or Menthol. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

And the winner of the Groucho Marx doll:

Instead of receiving condoms, schoolchildren will be encouraged to pray that they don't get pregnant. The word "pregnant" will not be used. The term will be "great with child." (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions:

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms will be replaced by the Bureau of Drinking, Smoking and Shooting. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

In order to prevent the Republicans from cutting social programs, the slogan "No Newt Axes" will become popular. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

In an effort to look more like America, Kweisi Mfume will change his name to Bob Johnson. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

The income tax laws will exempt the very rich and the very poor. The very poor must wear signs that say "The Very Poor." The very rich will pay for the signs. (Charles Jeffries, Lanham)

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration will be replaced by the Stop Whining and Get Back to Work Administration. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Voter registration can be completed in gun stores. (David Nachtsheim, Silver Spring)

Gluing a nickel to the pavement and watching people bend over to pick it up will become a popular prank once again. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Sex scandals will still occur, but with a better class of woman. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Food stamps can be used as Camel Cash. (Howard Mortman, Washington)

Planned Parenthood will beis restricted to dispensing aspirin to hold between the knees. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

The Kennedy Center Honors will go to Pat Sajak, Chuck Norris, Wayne Newton, Billy Ray Cyrus and those seven tobacco company executives. (Timothy Morgen, Laurel; also Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

NOW members will be assigned to Robert Packwood's Senate staff as "comfort girls." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Constipation will once again be fashionable. (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Cake will be declared the fifth basic food group. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

The last remaining plot on the Mall will be used to build the National Paint by Numbers Museum. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

There will be a boom in employment opportunities for accordion teachers. (Ivan Sussman, Laurel)

The list of vegetables for school lunch programs will be expanded by adding "ice" and "tobacco." (J.F. Martin, Falls Church; Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg; Thomas A. Logan, Alexandria)

Roger Clinton's career will stall. (J.F. Martin, Falls Church)

South Africa will wind up boycotting us. (David Avagliano Treber, Silver Spring)

After Sen. Helms's committee removes Castro, Cuba will be admitted to the Union as a "slave" state. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

By 1998, Ellen Sauerbrey will still be contesting the election in court, and can then run as both the experienced incumbent and a fresh and exciting outsider. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Rush Limbaugh leaf bags will appear. (Gilbert McCrary, Gaithersburg)

The "eternal flame" on the JFK gravesite is replaced with a Duraflame log from an Arlington 7-Eleven. (D. Gionfriddo, Washington)

The "Contract With America" starts with a flurry. The entire government infrastructure is torn apart within the first week. Then, on the eighth day, with debris everywhere, the GOP contractors call in sick. Within a week it becomes obvious the contractors aren't coming back. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Church and state will be separated by an imaginary friend. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

Political correctness becomes an anachronism. President Clinton proudly refers to the First Lady as his "squaw." (Marshall Goldstein, Reston)

And Last:

This is the last time I will be able to get the word "smartass" in a family newspaper. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Next Week: Play Duh

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp


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