Week 73 : LUNACY

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 17, 1994

"Watson, come here, I need you!"

"I claim this land for the King of Uruguay. Hahaha."

"Golly, this is neat!"

This Week's Contest: Wednesday marks the 25th anniversary of the moon landing, as well as the greatest gaffe in the history of Historic Sayings. Neil Armstrong, a fine American but not exactly a poet or an orator, having rehearsed his little immortal line 6,000 times until no mistake was possible, put his foot onto the moon's surface and then into his mouth. Neil fluffed the line, big time. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," Neil said. Used like that, of course, "man" and "mankind" are the same thing. He meant one small step for a man. But it's a lousy quote anyway. Stiff, formal, no spontaneity, predictable. Tell us: What should Neil have said?

First-prize winner gets a giant antique rag doll that looks like an employee of an 1890s San Francisco bordello, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 73, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 25. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 70,

in which we asked you to come up with jokes based on sounds. But first, a special prize of "The Toilets of New York," a hilariously humorless book reviewing public restrooms in New York City, to Bill Swisher of Silver Spring, who submitted the following:

Q: What is "Q: What is Sis Boom Bah? A: The sound of an exploding sheep."

A: It is the sound of a Style Invitational reader plagiarizing Johnny Carson, circa 1982.

No, this is not particularly funny, but it wins Bill an award for honesty because it distinguishes him from the many, many other people who submitted the identical joke but claimed it as their own. We are now going to name all those people, a truly pathetic assemblage of thieves and idiots: Elliott R. Howard of Leesburg, Scott Ferry of Poolesville, Dann Dickerstein of Washington ... Okay, we are making these names up. Next time, we won't be so kind. Get the picture, all you Steal Invitationalists out there? Splendid.

Third Runner-up: What is "Cling! Dink! Knock! Phump! Bang! Doink! Bump! Clonk! Fong! Brick! Whack! Glorp! Cloong! Padagoink!"? Kevin Duckworth, shooting baskets. (Adam K. Lee, Washington)

Second Runner-up: What is "Doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-doodly-dingly-pow-pow-pow-doodly-dingly- doodly-dingly"? The Good Humor drive-by killer strikes again. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

First Runner-up: What is "Swish Swish, Swish Swish"? Michael Jordan switching careers. (Gene O'Neill, Gaithersburg; also, Noah Schenendorf, Gaithersburg)

And the winner of the Miss Piggy bank:

What is "AAAAAAaaaaaa ... "? Unfortunately, no one had taken the trouble to explain to the Wicked Witch of the West the difference between a bidet and a toilet. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Honorable Mentions:

What is "Fssssss ... Fssssss"? On his deathbed, Robin Hood shoots again, deciding not to be buried in the cesspool. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What is "Biff! Grunt. Pow! Wheeze. Bap! Moan"? Adam West reprises his role as Batman. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

What is "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring"? A call to a D.C. government office. (William J. Irvin, Fort Washington)

What goes "Vroom Screech, Vroom Screech"? A blond at a flashing red light. (Sandi Quallich, Germantown)

What is "Snap Crackle Poop"? The sound of a bowl of Rice Crappies. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

What is "Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Wham! Boing! Ding!"? Round 11 of the Ali-Gumby fight. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

What goes "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"? A cannonball-only rendition of the "1812" Overture. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

What is "Scratch. Sniff. Plop"? The gas company's Chloroform Awareness Card, another bad idea. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

What is "Meow plink plink, Meow plink plink"? The world's fastest violinmaker. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

What is "Ow! Ow! Ow!"? A man with stigmata on his palm runs for office in Virginia. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

What is "Bibbity Bobbitty Boo"? The ghost of severed parts. (Ken Kaufman, Gaithersburg)

What is "Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx"? Malcolm X, snoring. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And last, and the winner of a handsome toidy:

What is "Hippety-hop, hippety-hop, hippety-hop, thud"? How I hope to tell my husband that I'm pregnant, by having him read it in the Style Invitational. (Joann Rizzo, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Caption Crunch III

ILLUSTRATION,,Bob Staake For Twp

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