Week 70 : Sounds Like a Bad Idea

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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jun 26, 1994

Q: What is "Clop Clop Clop Clop BANG Clop Clop"?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Q: What is "Kabloom, Kablooie, Kablamm, Duhh."

A: Three smart bombs and a dumb one.

Q: What is "Pull! Fizz! Bang! Pull! Fizz! Bang!"

A: Skeet shooting for Alka-Seltzer in the rain.

Q: What is "Me Me Me Me Me Me Me"?

A: A prima donna warming up at the Metropolitan Opera.

This week's contest was proposed by the Czarina of the Style Invitational, who wins five years of free orthodontia for her children. The Czarina proposes a contest to come up with jokes based on noises. First-prize winner gets a gigantic antique plaster Miss Piggy bank, vintage 1979, a value of $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 70, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet at this address: Entries must be received on or before Tuesday, July 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 67, in which you were asked to come up with the final words of famous dead people whose real final words are unknown. But first, the Czar wishes it to be known that he finds nothing at all funny about death, that he in fact intends to die himself one day, and that he wishes to urge all readers to skip over the remainder of this column, inasmuch as it is completely tasteless and will offend anyone with even a rudimentary sense of decency.

Fourth Runner-Up - Richard Nixon: "{unintelligible} {expletive deleted} {unintelligible}" (David Laughton, Washington)

Third Runner-Up - Lou Gehrig: "Lou Gehrig's disease! Damn! I should have seen that one coming." (Jonathan Lechter, Rockville)

Second Runner-Up - Rene Descartes: "Think! Think!" (Stephen W. Buchanan, Mount Airy, Md.)

First Runner-Up - Dr. Seuss: "I would not eat them with a cop/ I would not eat them with a . . . {Plop.}" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And the winner of the life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton:

Richard Nixon: "I am not dying." (Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

Honorable Mentions:

Napoleon Bonaparte: "Why does my hair smell like arsenic?" (Harold Weiss, Reston)

Cass Elliot: "That prima donna? I can sing better than she can while eating a ham sandwich! Watch this!" (Alex Thornton, Beltsville)

Leon Trotsky: "Oh, yeah, Josef? Who died and made you boss?" (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

Pearl S. Buck: "The Buck stops here." (Kristie Lyn Dunleavy, Falls Church)

Isaac Newton: "When an apple fell on my head, I discovered gravity. I wonder what I can discover with this here anvil?"

Jimmy Hoffa: "You grznaks are taking all the risks of selecting and capturing human specimens and preparing us for examination, but the flzcrajds up on the mother ship are getting all the performance bonuses. You've got to stick together and demand what's yours. Let me tell you what joining the Teamsters can do for you . . ." (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

John Crapper: "Do you think anyone will know I ever lived?" (Len Taylor, Gaithersburg)

U.S. Grant: "If it is not already taken, I would like to be buried in Grant's Tomb." (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

Elvis: "Ungh. Unnghh. Unnnngghhh." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Isadora Duncan: "A silk scarf would make this outfit a real head-turner." (Susanne B. Duncan, Alexandria)

Richard Nixon: "I tell you, it is not a significant amount of time! Here, let me show you by not breathing for 18 1/2 minutes." (Alex Thornton, Beltsville)

The Big Bopper: "Wanna hear something really funny, Buddy? I told the pilot I only weigh 175 so he'd let me come." (Don Beale, Arlington)

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley: "At least I can still vote!" (Catherine Sloss, Washington)

Thomas Malthus: "Here's one less mouth to feed." (Kom Kunyosying, Kearneysville, W.Va.)

Bill Casey: "No way. I'd rather die than talk to Bob Woodward." (Bill Verrey, Richardson, Tex.)

Benito Mussolini: "Everything looks upside down." (John Cushing, Washington)

Will Rogers: "Wiley, you've got the patch over the wrong eye." (John Cushing, Washington)

And Last:

Johann Gutenberg: "O, I die! What a vision I see before me now: Bibles, sacred works, penny dreadfuls, flatulence jokes in a major daily newspaper . . ." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

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Language: English
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