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Week 58 : Play It Again, Denzel


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Apr 10, 1994

Good move for Rick, not getting on that plane. Nazi saboteurs had rigged it with dynamite, and it explodes in an extremely cinematic fashion, featuring many spectacular leaps into the Mediterranean by stunt men strapped into seats. Victor Laszlo survives the explosion but dies an ugly death; Brylcreem is like catnip to sharks. Ilsa, her blouse seductively torn in the crash, is scooped up by a Greek freighter whose captain's second cousin is a powerful, skirt-chasing Hollywood mogul.

Ilsa goes on to become a film goddess with a tragic cocaine dependency and a hatred of men. She and Rick will "always have Paris" in more ways than one. Ilsa never told Rick about the birth of their out-of-wedlock daughter, Paris, who is being raised by singing nuns in Austria . . . .

This Week's Contest was suggested by Jerry Knight, who doesn't win anything because his wife is married to a Washington Post employee. Jerry suggests that since a sequel to Casablanca is being planned as a TV miniseries, we should give the producers a hand. Bring Casablanca into the 1990s. Write the opening of a plot outline, in 120 words or fewer. You may, but are not required to, cast the roles. The winner gets a videotape of "Plan 9 From Outer Space," the worst movie ever made. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 58, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 18. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 55,

in which you were asked to emulate Sen. Charles Robb and come up with self-serving moral loopholes for the 1990s, as in "It's not extramarital sex if you don't actually sleep with the person."

Miranda Marsh of Annapolis wins the coveted brevity award, a pair of briefs, for: "Chocolate is a vegetable."

- Fifth Runner-Up: It doesn't count as tabloid reporting if you're only reporting that the tabloids reported it. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

- Fourth Runner-Up: You're still sober as lounge as you can still say your worms promperly. (Steven King, Alexandria)

- Third Runner-Up: It isn't a preexisting condition unless you had it before you existed. (Lori C. Fraind, Reston)

- Second Runner-Up: It isn't plagiarism if you write, say, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you - yeah, that's right, you - can do for your country." (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

- First Runner-Up: You're not fat if clothes are actually made in your size. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

- And the winner of the incredible Sword-Through-Neck Trick:

You are not guilty of DUI if you thought someone else was driving.

(Helen Sheingorn, Washington)

- Honorable Mentions:

It is not vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted the other way.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them.

(Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

You haven't lost your virginity as long as you remember where you left it.

(Allison Grad, Silver Spring)

You are not really bald if hair grows out of your nose.

(Wayne McCaughey, Columbia)

It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. (Andy Cohen, Woodbridge; also, John P. Fitzpatrick, Falls Church, and Richard E. Swindell, Alexandria)

It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

It isn't adultery if she reminds you of your wife. (Preston Williams, Alexandria)

It's not racketeering if you use a bat. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.)

It is not plagiarism if it is just the way you would have written it. (Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria)

It isn't reckless driving if you get into a wreck. (Dabe Murphy, Silver Spring; also, Paula Gesmundo, Alexandria)

It's not illegally diverting funds to contras if the president is sleeping in the corner when you agree to do it. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

You are not overweight if you can touch anybody's toes. (Debbie Ruffing, Bowie)

You're not drinking alcohol if you plan to puke it all back up. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

It isn't sexual harassment if you use clever code words such as "hooters" and "jabongas." (Larry Hinders, Fredericksburg)

It isn't procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now. (Dick Biederman, Potomac)

And Last:

It is not an official Style Invitational Report unless the words "Chuck Smith, Woodbridge" appears somewhere in the results. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.)

[Illustration]
ILLUSTRATION,,Marc Rosenthal For Twp


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