Week 52 : Testimonial


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Feb 27, 1994

Tonya Harding for The Club

Madonna for Virgin Records

Mitch Williams for Control-Top Pantyhose

This Week's Contest was proposed by Nick Dierman of Potomac, who wins a packet of "Shakti Tongue Cleaners," a tragically neglected personal hygiene product. Nick suggests coming up with inappropriate celebrity endorsements for real products. (And no, Lorena Bobbitt for Ginsu Knives won't win doodly. Be creative.) First-prize winner receives a framed poster of Rocky Marciano, a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 52, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print and The Ear No One Reads again urgently requests photos of your pets wearing costumes. Winner gets a papier-mache duck and a picture of an elephant pooping. If you want the photos returned, send a SASE. Mail to Stupid Picture Contest, The Style Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Street NW, Washington D.C. 20071. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 49, in which you were asked to come up with events for a Washington Olympics. These were all good ideas: The Congressional Breast Stroke, the Broad Jump and the Penis Toss. Unfortunately, they were also as hackneyed as, um, Nancy Kerrigan. Sorry.

Fourth Runner-Up: The How-High Jump - Event limited to middle-level bureaucrats. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville)

Third Runner-Up: Women's Mogul Skinning - Competitors must fleece a D.C.-area millionaire without being deported, excommunicated or brought up on drug charges. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: The Washington Pentathlon - A series of events in which contestants must first hit the ground running, then get up to speed, then get ahead of the curve, then push the envelope, and finally, think outside the box. (Charles A. Lauer, Potomac)

First Runner-Up: Downhill Rostenkowskiing - Employees on the payroll of Rep. Dan Rostenkowski race to find jobs in the private sector before it is too late. (Richard Barna, Wheaton; also, Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And the Winner of the Magician's Wrist Guillotine:

The Stay Put - A whole inch of snow is dumped on the field and competitors attempt to not go out in it. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Honorable Mentions:

Poll-Faulting - An event for spokespersons of underdog candidates. (Dan Morgan and David Smith, Washington; also, Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt)

The Bobbittsled - Two-man teams of eunuchs career though Manassas streets, pushing hospital gurneys, trying to find the nearest trauma center. (Andrew S. Goldman, Conshohocken, Pa.)

The Wench Press. Open to members of Congress only. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville)

Approval Ratings Dive - George Bush holds the world record with his 1992 gold-medal performance. (Michelle Morgan and Nazan Armenian, Washington)

Off-Balance Beam - Competitors must give confusing, offputting answers to panelists' allegations, to distract them. Judged on poise and originality. ("You've been accused of nepotism." "Don't tell my mother!") (Mary Olson, Springfield)

The BalderDash - The most outrageous lies in response to a reporter's question. Points awarded for audacity and apparent sincerity. (Mary Olson, Springfield)

The Platform Jive - The gold is awarded to whichever athlete can best persuade the crowd that he or she should win. This event has no rules and no judges. (Maggie Heinz, Washington)

Bureaucratic Obstacle Course - Entrants have two years to: speak personally to their congressperson on the phone; get a building permit; apply for and receive federal funds of any kind; complain about and have fixed one pothole; successfully challenge a parking ticket; and obtain one document through the Freedom of Information Act. There has never been a winner in this event. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)

Jackknifing - A Beltway event, open to hazardous materials truck drivers. Points awarded for style, sprawl, and duration of traffic disruption. (Roz Jonas, Bethesda)

Pairs Skating - Large-breasted women on skates, judged by Rep. Martin Hoke. No actual skating required. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Freestyle Crowd Estimation - A generic crowd is marched through the streets of Washington. Opposing groups inflate or deflate the total and provide rhetorical commentary. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

The D.C. Rodeo - A timed event for District police officers. Object is to corral drunk women and hogtie them to mailboxes. (Derek Parks and Cristina Anzelmo, Arlington)

Thin-Ice Skating - Civil servants must skate one-quarter mile on the barely frozen Potomac while Congress and the president use their hair dryers to melt it. (Will and Joan Riegger, Crofton)

Obfu-Skating - Verbal twists, turns and leaps of logic to avoid stating an unpleasant truth. (Bob and Diane Prokop, Ellicott City)

The Hot-Coffee Slalom - Drivers must hold full cup (no lids) of hot coffee in hand (or on lap for extra degree-of-difficulty points) and navigate a pothole slalom course on I-395 at 40 mph. To win, competitors must have some coffee left in cup. (Jim Reagan, Reston)

"Apres Moi Le De" Luge - A competition for spin doctors. After a crisis bell, opposing teams of scandal handlers sled through deep stuff to save their boss. (Rosemary Walsh, Rockville)

Whitewater Grafting - Once again, the Clintons are the team to beat. (Steven King, Alexandria)

Figure Skating - Teams of federal bureaucrats see how long they can talk about new projects without actually mentioning costs. (Stephen King, Alexandria)

Synchronized Swining - Two politicians yoked together wallow in the mud until all spectators leave. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Happy Birthday to Us.


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