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Week 48 : Snivel War


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 30, 1994

Want one?

Beg.

Against all sane predictions, we are approaching the end of our first year in business, not yet closed down by the gendarmes of polite society. And so we have reordered the coveted Style Invitational loser's T-shirts; the new ones will indicate "Year II" on them. This leaves us with a small surplus of shirts from the first year, which by now, because of the rampaging success of this idiotic competition, have acquired an approximate resale value of $12,500 apiece.

This Week's Contest

Beg us for them. Grovel. Propose deals. Threaten. Cajole. Flush your dignity right down the pooper. Whatever it takes. The more wretched and outrageous the better. All published entries will be considered runners-up, and will win a shirt. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 48, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 45,

in which we asked you to deliver a good news/bad news scenario. First, the good news. Last Sunday, for the first time in months, the unbelievably annoying Chuck Smith of Woodbridge did not win even a single honorable mention, raising the possibility that Mr. SmithUs years of recreational drug use finally caught up with him, rendering his brain a sac of goo, and clearing the field for other worthy contestants. The bad news:

+Fourth Runner-Up: The Good News: You get an expensive designer bag.

The Bad News: It's a colostomy bag. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

+Third Runner-Up: The Good News: Jack Kent Cooke has finally agreed to rename the Redskins.

The Bad News: They're going to be called the Laurel "William Donald Schaefers." (Bill Swedish, Arlington)

+ Second Runner-Up: The Good News: You traded in that gun youUve been afraid to keep in the house for a new pair of shoes.

The Bad News: On your way out of the store, you're shot by someone who wants your shoes. (Thom Lieb, Crofton)

+ First Runner-Up: The Good News: A thorough investigation of all available Whitewater company records exonerates the Clintons of any wrongdoing.

The Bad News: The White House toilets are clogged. (Beth Chalecki, Washington)

+ And the Winner of the Barry Manilow Boxed CD Set:

The Good News: At long last, the Navy has redesigned its uniforms for women.

The Bad News: They look like this:

(Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

+Honorable Mentions:

The Good News: Three ghosts visit you on Christmas Eve and change your life forever.

The Bad News: They are Larry, Curly and Moe, and Moe puts your eyes out. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Good News: Your dentist is very generous with the nitrous oxide.

The Bad News: He always asks you to disrobe and put on a paper gown. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

The Good News: Grandpa has been taken off the respirator and released from the hospital.

The Bad News: He's dead. (Phillip A. Harrell, Upper Marlboro)

The Good News: D.C. alleviates prison overcrowding.

The Bad News: D.C. begins Quarterway Houses. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Good News: Schools in the Washington area will never again close for less than one foot of snow.

The Bad News: We lied. (Mary Ann Johnson, Leesburg)

The Good News: You are finally considered a man of letters.

The Bad News: The police trace the letters to you. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Bad News: Lorena found the fillet knife.

The Good News: She could not find the cheese grater. (Bernie Augustine, Forestville)

The Good News: In a high-speed car crash, air bags save your life.

Bad News: In the emergency room, the doctor tells your mother that you had on dirty underwear. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Good News: You just picked all the winning numbers in the Virginia Lottery.

The Bad News: Your ticket is in the Maryland Lottery. (Dave and Adele Odegard, Alexandria; also, Jane Bancroft, Wheaton)

The Good News: God speaks to you.

The Bad News: He wants you to sacrifice a loved one. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Good News: Bacon is found to be good for you.

The Bad News: Only if it is boiled. (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

The Good News: Children are thrilled as Bambi is considered for the job of one of Santa's replacement reindeer.

The Bad News: Nepotism rears its ugly head as Rudolph's brother, Randolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, is chosen instead. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Good News: You finally win the Style Invitational, in Week 57.

The Bad News: Week 57 is "My Most Embarrassing Flatulence," and the results are printed the Sunday you have the minister over for dinner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

The Good News is in the bottom left corner of Page A23.

The Bad News is the rest of the paper. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville)

The Good News: Chuck Smith's wife is hired by The Washington Post!

The Bad News: He divorces her. (Mary Olson, Springfield)

And last:

The Good News: The Style Invitational lifts you to international prominence.

The Bad News: Groupies drain you of your precious bodily fluids. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Bad Entries Only

[Illustration]
PHOTO


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