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Week 39 : Way Outside the Lines


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Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 28, 1993

Prozac

Description: Rose-colored. No hint of blue.

Honky White

Description: Completely colorless.

Mort Halperin Pink

Description: Not pink, exactly. But not entirely red, white and blue, if you get our drift.

Liberal Gilt

Description: Gold, but not ostentatious.

James Brown

Description: Really, really black.

This week's contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a photograph of an elephant pooping. Elden disdainfully notes that after a nationwide search for ideas, the manufacturers of Crayola Crayons (creators of "Burnt Sienna" and "Raw Umber" and other bewildering touchstones of our youth) have come up with 16 cutesy- poo new colors, including "Tickle Me Pink," "Asparagus" and "Macaroni and Cheese." We think you can do better. Name a new crayon color for the 1990s, with a description. First-prize winner gets a five-foot- long replica of a Crayola crayon, a value of approximately $50. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T- shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 39, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 6. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 36, in which you were asked to come up with clever pranks for fun, profit or delivery of a well-needed comeuppance.

Many of your entries were shockingly immature and hostile to the point of indecency. Congratulations.

Third Runner-Up: Construct an authentic-looking Denver boot and drive around Washington with it on your car. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge)

Second Runner-Up: Replace the carbon monoxide in Dr. Kevorkian's tank with helium. (Steven King, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up: Call a service station and report that your engine is "sort of, like, sneezing" and the transmission is "jitterbugging a little" and you are a silly little goose who knows nothing about cars but will pay whatever is required to fix it. When the mechanic excitedly tells you to bring it in, say you might be able to bring it in by the end of the day. Then call that evening and postpone it one more day. Repeat every day for six years. (Mary Ellen Hughes, Gambrills)

And the winner of the battery-powered Last Supper clock with matching plastic wall sconces:

On the day Disney's new theme park opens after two years of shameless ballyhoo, arrive there with lots of spare nuts and bolts in your pockets. Every time you go on a ride, fling hardware from it, making sure to leave a handful on the seat. (Kirby Lamb, McLean)

Honorable Mentions:

Start a movement to get Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell to change his last name because it is offensive to people of Scottish heritage that a Native American is using their name. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville)

Give fillet knives as wedding gifts. (Maria L. Rowan, Kensington)

Stand in the middle of a crowded movie theater and yell, "Chuckie, I told you to leave Willard at home! How do you expect me to find a rat in the dark?" (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

Visit the driveway of someone who brags about having moved to a low-crime area. Paint a dead man's silhouette in chalk. (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge)

While on a commercial airliner that is experiencing engine trouble, even one that is making an emergency landing, stand up in your seat and shout, "Now you will take the New Mexico raisin growers seriously!" (Matthew J. Linn, Arlington)

Sneak into Gov. William Donald Schaefer's bedroom late at night and replace every calendar with one reading Nov. 4, 1992. Awaken him by yelling that newly reelected President Bush has just called. When he protests, say that a Clinton presidency must have been all a bad dream, that Bush wants Schaefer to be secretary of the interior, but the word has leaked and ABC wants him to make a statement in time for "Good Morning America." Dial Sam Donaldson, hand the phone to Schaefer and depart quietly. (N. Peter Whitehead, Alexandria)

Call the animal shelter and ask how many dogs and cats are available for adoption. Turn away from the receiver and ask, "How much per pound did you say we can get?" (Frank Rodriguez, Woodbridge)

Call Larry King and suggest some guests he should have on upcoming shows. See how many times you can get him to refer to someone as a "good friend," someone he talks to all the time, then explain to him that every person you've named has been dead for years. (Michael Hunter, Washington)

Dress up as Barney, go to the mall, tell kids Santa isn't coming because Barney ripped his head off. (Chris Rooney, Blacksburg, Va.)

Send Ross Perot an anonymous message threatening to disrupt the conception of his grandchild. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Get a number of cats with the same colors and markings as Socks. Release them at various points on the block surrounding the White House. Watch the tourists and Secret Service scramble. (Jim Reynolds, Oakton)

Contact CNN at noon on Nov. 25, with breaking news that the little pop-up thermometers on frozen turkeys have been discovered to be used hypodermic needles. (Patricia Smith, Fairfax Station)

Run into a crowded firehouse and yell, "Movie!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

And last:

Submit an entry to The Style Invitational that meets none of the criteria for that week's contest, has no original idea, and is not even really an entry at all. (John Cushing, Washington)

NEXT WEEK: A State of Disgrace?

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