The Style Invitational Week 1012: The news at 5

By Pat Myers, Thursday, March 7, 1:13 PM


North Korea for summer vacation,

That passing-a-gallstone sensation

And intestinal flu

Are all comparable to

The appeal of this damned sequestration.


We’re still basking in the glow of last week’s 20th-anniversary retrospective, which brimmed with tantalizing tidbits from dozens of our more than 1,000 contests over the years. Among them were two limericks that made us thirst for a swig of more five-liners to tide us over till our annual Limerixicon in August. This week: Write a limerick about a recent news event, as in the example above. You may add a title or a lead-in line, but the limerick can’t require a lot of accompanying explanation. See for guidelines for what we look for in a limerick.


Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this really cool and ooky squeeze ball; not only do yellow-goo-filled clear plastic bubble things force their way through the mesh of the ball when you squeeze it, but it also makes an appropriately disgusting noise while doing so. Donated in the middle of a restaurant by Loser Dave Prevar. This ball has already been pre-squeezed many times by the Empress during the editing of last week’s Invitational.


Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to  or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 18; results published April 7 (online April 4). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1012” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline for the “next week’s results” line is by Brendan Beary. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at


Report from Week 1008, in which we asked you to rearrange the words of a movie title and describe the resulting new film:


The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial


The Kwai on the River Bridge: Barbara Walters narrates a moving story of two lovers saying goodbye above the Seine. (Roy Ashley, Washington)


2. Winner of the brown-and-white soap labeled “Butt” and “Face”: 

Ralph It, Wreck!:  A less-than-compassionate sidekick counsels a rock star through her latest drinking binge. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)


3.   Rich Little, Poor Girl:  An aging impressionist tricks young women into blind dates by imitating Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, George Clooney and Justin Bieber. (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)


4.  Wonderful? It’s a Life:  Grandpa Irving pooh-poohs being in the Greatest Generation. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)


In Translation: Lost — honorable mentions


About 10, I Hate You Things:  The story of a frazzled day-care provider. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)


The Spider, Amazing, Man:  Cheech and Chong contemplate their pet tarantula. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)


The Fear of Wages:  A hedge fund manager has nightmares about having his income taxed like his secretary’s. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)


How Stella Got Her Back Groove:  Dangers of a wrinkled mattress pad. (Ellen Ryan)


Sarah Forgetting Marshall:  Ms. Palin attempts to name all the black Supreme Court justices in U.S. history. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)


High Times at Ridgemont Fast:  Hilarity ensues when David and Sara smuggle marijuana into Yom Kippur services. (Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md., a First Offender)


The Presidents: All Men:  A 2017 film about the way things used to be. (Janelle Gibb, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)


The Queen — African?:  Birthers challenge Elizabeth II. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)


The Mile Green:  A documentary about the world’s most difficult Putt-Putt hole. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)


Who’s Dinner Coming To? Guess!:  Sadistic parents pit siblings against each other at mealtimes. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)


Weeks Later, 28:  Innocently enough, parents get their daughter two mice for Christmas. . . (Brendan Beary)


From Eternity to Here?:  A Buddhist dung beetle contemplates how big a jerk he must have been in his previous life. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)


Talk, Pillow!:  A lonely woman wishes her most intimate partner would just love her back. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)


Lovers of the Last Red Hot:  Two amorous moviegoers share the piece of candy stuck at the bottom of the package. (Jeff Loren, Manassas, Va.)


Paris Last in Tango:  Sobbing and screaming, Hilton bombs on “Dancing With the Stars.” (Brian Allgar, Paris) 


Jedi of the Return:  An elite group of consumers gets full refunds on unwanted merchandise — without the original store receipts! (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)


Girl Wants a What?:  Dad thinks he’s taking his daughter to Piercing Palace to get her ears done, but Little Princess has other ideas . . . (Brendan Beary)


Wants What? A Girl?:  Gay dads face the reality that their figure-skater son is straight. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)


Austin Man: Mystery of International Powers:  Rick Perry realizes he only has until 2016 to learn something about world events. (Brendan Beary)


Iron the Lady:  An evil dermatologist finds a new way to rid women of wrinkles. (Tzvia Berrin-Reinstein, Boston, a First Offender)


Can’t You Take It With You?:  Woman hopes to get rid of boyfriend and ugly couch all at once. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)


Dirty the Dozen:  The Rugrats struggle to adapt to training pants. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)


Place Peyton to Return:  The Denver Broncos shock fans by putting their quarterback on special teams. (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md., a First Offender) 


Do the Thing Right:  After 30 years of marriage, Louise decides to give Hank some feedback on his performance. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)


The Hunter Deer:  Bambi changes his name to Bambo and seeks revenge. (Gary Crockett)


Sing? Sing in 20,000 Years:  A documentary that answers the question “When should Kathie Lee Gifford sing?” (William C. Kennard, Arlington, Va.)


The Lightness of Being Unbearable:  Self-help video on how to become less tense by telling people what you really think of them. (Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)


Me Stand By:  Cookie Monster loiters outside a Pepperidge Farm factory. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)


Washington Goes to Mr. Smith:  The nation’s capital is auctioned off to cut the deficit. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)


Sixty Gone in Seconds:  The hall is almost full when Joe Biden starts his speech, but . . . (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)


Eight Out Men:  Major League Baseball is scandalized, until everyone promptly gets over it. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)


Show the Truman!:  The alleged cover-up in the search for a new Nationals mascot (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)


I Shrunk the Kids’ Honey:  New York Mayor Bloomberg starts limiting container sizes for ALL sweet consumables. (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)


Kids, I Shrunk the Honey:  One family manages just fine on unsweetened tea. (James Kruger, Butha-Buthe, Lesotho, a First Offender)


50 Dates First: Sally starts to wonder if she might be waiting a little too long before “putting out.” (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)


Good Hunting, Will:  Prince Charles sends his son to Dick Cheney’s ranch for a long weekend. (Andrew Ballard, London)


And Last: Dog the Wag:  The never-ending pursuit of a Style Invitational Loser by his obsessed fans. (The Famed Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)


Next week: What’s in a Name,or Collected Letters of ...