The Style Invitational Week 994 Stick it to us with a new Loser Magnet
By Pat Myers
Every week since she deposed the Czar in 2004, the Empress has been sending out our lusted-after prize magnets to a couple dozen honorable-mention Losers. (One to a person, that is — do you think we’re made of money? These babies can run as much as two bits apiece.) Since they replaced the Czarist-era bumper stickers, we’ve had more than a dozen designs, all of them created by the More Famous and More Full of Himself by the Day Bob Staake, and featuring Loser-contributed slogans; some of the slogans stress the also-ran nature of being a Loser, while others play on the Invitational in general.
Anyway, our current supply is running out, and it’s time to order up another year’s worth. This week: Suggest a slogan for one of our two new honorable-mention Loser Magnets for 2012-2013. Bob will draw it, so you don’t need to design or draw anything. You can suggest just the text and Bob will illustrate, or suggest a visual idea as well. The magnet is only the size of a business card (2 by 3.5 inches), and so a short slogan and simple idea work best. Click through the pictures above to see six of the magnets; here’s a photo of seven more. You may resubmit your own unsuccessful submission from any of our previous prize-slogan contests (by unsuccessful, we mean that it wasn’t used on a prize; it’s still eligible if it got ink).
Winner gets — along with the magnet with the winning slogan — the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the other magnet we’ll be using, plus a fantasy sci-fi romance novel that its donor, Incredibly Longtime Loser Tom Witte, vows is “the best book ever written.” Sample passage from the paperback: “ ‘Look,’ he said, ‘the sun is beginning to set. It will soon be nightfall.’ She marveled at his wisdom and was in awe of his manhood.” The novel is by Tom’s mother-in-law.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get, of course, a Loser magnet, either a new one or one from the old batch. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 4; results published Nov. 25 (online probably Nov. 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 994” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Dixon Wragg. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 990, in which we asked for jokes about any two people with the same last name (or names pronounced the same): The links on the names are there not just to identify them — don’t write in about the insult to your intelligence — but sometimes offer a little perspective on the jokes; for example, the link on Lil Wayne’s name goes to a sample of his poetry.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Cynthia Nixon had sex in the city; Richard Nixon screwed the whole country. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
2. Winner of the Talking Toilet practical-joke gizmo: Stephen King: Writes about the living dead. Larry King: Is. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
3. Ken Starr and Ringo Starr: Each was willing to use whatever sticks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
4. George Romney and Mitt Romney: One was transparent; the other you can see right through. (John Huber, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender)
Nixed of kin: Honorable mentions
Neil Armstrong and Lance Armstrong: One took a giant leap forward for mankind. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Bill Russell and Jane Russell: Known for great two-pointers. (Kevin Dopart)
Jack Ryan and Paul Ryan collaborate in “The Hunt for Red-State November.” (Chris O’Carroll, Emporia, Kan.)
Robert E. Lee took off up North. Gypsy Rose Lee took off “down south.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Dave Matthews leads a band; Chris Matthews preaches to the choir. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Jon Stewart wears his convictions on his sleeve; Martha Stewart had to wear hers on her ankle. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
Bruce Lee and Robert E. Lee: Both were born in the United States yet became famous working in another country. (David Ballard, Reston)
William S. Burroughs and Edgar Rice Burroughs: Tarzan eat naked lunch every day. What big deal? (Chris O’Carroll)
Commodore Perry: “We have met the enemy and they are ours.” Rick Perry: “I have met the enemy and he is me.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Ben Jonson and Davey Johnson: One knew that “The Devil Is an Ass,” but the other had never heard of Peter Angelos. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
Jim Bowie and David Bowie: Both are famous as blades. (Mark Raffman, Reston)
Robin Roberts and John Roberts: Either one could throw a heck of a curveball. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Eddie Cantor and Eric Cantor: Each seemed to have the same guiding principle: “Bring Down the House.” (Travis McKinney, San Antonio)
Joyce Kilmer co-wrote with Billy Kilmer: “I think the world will never see/ A decent spiral thrown by me.” (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)
Dave Barry and Marion Barry: One of them thinks Crack Pipe Mayor would be a good name for a rock band. (Chris O’Carroll)
Sherlock Holmes was featured in “A Study in Scarlet.” John C. Holmes could have been featured in “A Stud in Scarlett.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Tobey McGuire and Mark McGwire: After he acquired superpowers from a dangerous chemical that surged into his bloodstream, he put on a costume and wowed crowds with feats of superhuman strength. The other was in “Spider-Man.” (David Genser)
J.S. Bach and Barbara Bach: Serious bragging rights if either ever touched your organ. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Michael Collins looked at clouds from even more sides than Judy Collins did. (Kevin Dopart)
Ralph Reed and Rex Reed would make such a cute couple. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Bruce Wayne and Lil Wayne: One has an alter ego that serves up poetic justice; the other is an alter ego that serves up an injustice to poetry. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
If Robert Frost had bumped into Jack Frost, he would have written: The woods are lovely, I suppose... / But who’s this creep that nips my nose? (Beverley Sharp)
Unlike with George Bailey, the world wouldn’t suffer if Beetle Bailey vanished today. (Kevin Dopart)
Bobby Baker and Tammy Faye Bakker both employed elaborate cover-ups, but Bobby’s didn’t end up dripping all over his face. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Unlike Prince George’s County’s Leslie Johnson, Lyndon didn’t hide anything under his shirt. (Kevin Dopart)
Isabel Briggs Myers and Pat Myers: For Week 995, they’d suggest the hilarious match of an ISTJ with an ENFP. (Jim Deutsch, Washington)
Many people anxiously await both Seth Meyers’s and Pat Myers’s weekend updates. (Christopher Lamora)
Next week’s results: Tour de Fours IX: V-O-T-E Now, or InviTE Voodoo.