The Style Invitational Week 923 Chemical wordfare

By Pat Myers, Friday, June 10, 2:40 AM


The Carpin’ Jonoxide: A chief contributor of emissions to a poisonous political atmosphere.


Newtron: A highly charged part of a political element at the lowest level.


Back in 1997, the Invitational contributed to modern chemistry by adding such elements to the periodic table as Limbaughium (“emits heat but no light . . . repellent to protons and electrons; only succeeds in attracting morons”) and, yes, Newtium (“does not possess magnetic properties”). While obviously some of the 14-year-old entries are still painfully timely, we agree with Obsessive Loser (and chemical engineer) Jeff Contompasis that it’s time for an update. This week: Create a new chemical element or other chemical term, as in Jeff’s unfair-and-balanced examples at the top.


Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a full-size football made of solid — or as solid as it can be — clear Bubble Wrap, embellished with blue Bubble Wrap “laces” and stripes. It was sent to The Post around Super Bowl time by the Bubble Wrap people, probably in a last-ditch attempt to hold on to their brand name before it officially turns into the lowercase generic noun it really already is.


Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 20; results published July 10 (July 8 online). Include “Week 923” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See the complete rules and guidelines here. The online version of this column contains extra entries. The revised title for next week’s results is by Mae Scanlan; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.


Report from Week 919, in which we asked you to start with a 13-letter word, name or phrase; add a letter, drop a letter, switch two letters somewhere in the word, or substitute one letter for another; and describe the result, which might have 12 or 14 letters. The most frequently submitted phrase: “Osama Sin Laden.”


The winner of the Inker:


Doom with a view: Recent listing for penthouse in Abbottabad (David Ballard, Reston, Va., a First Offender)


2. Winner of the “I Eat Losers for Breakfast” mug: Typochondriac: A paranoid proofreader. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)


3. Sodamasochist: Someone who drinks Diet Coke after eating Mentos. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)


4. Watercoorist:A brewer of tasteless, weak beer. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)


Treizepassers: honorable mentions


Nosama bin Laden: Better “never,” but “the late” will do. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)


Sinfinitesimal: Hardly worth going to confession for. (Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.)


Panticommunism: Even Marx didn’t mean for the abolition of private property to go that far. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)


Defibillator: A lie detector. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)


Total meltdow: A stock market crash. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)


Hoverachievers: Helicopter parents. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)


Sunderachievers: Divorce lawyers. (Tom Witte)


Membarrassment: An open fly. (Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)


Childpoofing: What pageant moms do. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.)


Duchess of Dork: Beatrice. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington)


Let’s Mike a Deal: Recruitment slogan for DEA agents. (Loris McVittie, Rockville, Md.)


To bed or not to be: The worldview of a sex addict. (Submitted under a pseudonym and revealed after judging to be The Post’s Gene Weingarten; he gets no prize except questionable glory)


Sirendipitous: Describing a man’s ability to find, without really trying, the woman who will ruin him. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)


Seventh heave: The apotheosis of worshiping the porcelain god. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)


Gruel, to be kind: Airline food in economy class. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)


Streeptococcus: The acting bug. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)


“The Naked Ruth”: TV ratings plummeted after Dr. Westheimer began giving live demos. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


Interrorgation: Rejected euphemism for waterboarding. (Johnny Lanham, Columbia, S.C.)


Bleakfast menu: A few old danishes on the motel sideboard. (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.)


Freudian ships: Submarines. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)


Bloopingdale’s: For great deals on irregular fashions. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.)


Goop and Plenty: Melts in the box, not in your mouth. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)


Pen and teller: Minimal banking. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)


Breastfeeling: What’s promoted by the La Lecher League. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va., a First Offender)


Sintermission: Pausing to have a cigarette and regain strength. (Tony Phelps, Washington)


Big Bong theory: Cosmological theory of expan . . . hey, dude, you done with those potato chips? (Donald Carter, Wayne, N.J.)


Gratifiction: Faking it. (Craig Dykstra)


E pluribus anum: Out of many, we elect you-know-whats. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)


Hornithologist: Someone who studies birds AND bees. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)


Teutonic shift: A titanic gaffe. (“Ruth Frieder, Bethesda,” revealed after judging to be Gene Weingarten)


Foolhardness: An overdose of Viagra. (Tom Witte)


WTOP Forty radio: It only plays songs by Talking Heads. (Christopher Lamora)


It was God’s swill: Rationalization for jumping off the wagon. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)


Encephallogram: An X-ray of a man’s brain — his other brain. (Theresa Kowal)


Squintuplicate: The 1-point font for the fine print on car lease forms. (Brendan Beary)

Aryan Zimmerman: The uberstar third baseman leaves no room for errors. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)


Bathematician: Archimedes. (Jeff Contompasis)


Ragumentative: “End of discussion. Period.” (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)


Champ ate the bit: When Mike Tyson’s hunger got the better of him. (John McCooey)


A Day in the Wife: Little-known Lennon/Ono composition consisting entirely of moans and shrieks. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, a First Offender)


Imperceptable: Describing an error that hardly anyone will notice. (Ward Kay, Vienna)


And last: Lexhibitionist: Someone who sends in 120 neologism entries in a single week. (Tom Witte)


Next week: Sarchiasmus, or Transprosing