The Style Invitational Week 912 Pair-a-Phrase
By Pat Myers, Sunday, March 27, 12:00 AM
Capitol Pit: Serving up hefty quantities of pork year round.
Pee speech: Stream-of-consciousness discourse from the weirdo at the next urinal.
Not satisfied with having almost 800 entries printed here in the past six years, Style Invitational Overachiever Kevin Dopart suggests this new contest: Lift a word that appears inside a longer word; pair it with the original word to make a phrase; and define it, as in Kevin’s own examples above.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a jar of Snott Gorila Gel, or Moco de Gorila, a green hair goo that, while possibly not authentic gorilla snot, does look a lot like the 1970s Slime toy from Mattel. Sent all the way from Guatemala City by Loser Christopher Lamora.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, April 4; results to be published April 24 (April 22 online). Include “Week 912” in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Kevin Dopart; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead was submitted independently by Great Minds Thinking Alike Tom Witte and Chris Doyle.
Report from Week 908, in which we asked you to recast a movie or TV role: The many suggestions for “Raging Bull” tended to favor Glenn Beck and — surprise! — Charlie Sheen.
The winner of the Inker
Shane: Fire Alan Ladd, hire Brett Favre. Joey: “Shane! Shane! Come back!” Shane: “Okay!” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
2 Winner of the dashboard hula girls: Gone With the Wind: Fire Clark Gable; hire Pepco CEO Joe Rigby — everyone will believe he doesn’t give a damn. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg)
3 The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Fire America Ferrera; hire Hillary Clinton. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)
4 Kramer vs. Kramer: Fire Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep; hire Michael Richards. (Drew Knoblauch, Arlington)
Casting ouch: Honorable mentions
Schindler’s List: Fire Liam Neeson; hire Mel Gibson. Running time: four minutes (it’s a short list). (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
The Kids Are All Right: Fire Annette Bening; hire Amy Chua; rename the film “The Kids Are PERFECT!” (Lennie Magida, Potomac)
The Sixth Sense: Fire Haley Joel Osment; hire Sen. Joseph McCarthy, who’ll say, “I see red people.” (Mike Ostapiej)
Slumdog Millionaire: Fire Dev Patel; hire Watson the computer — tech support comes to the rescue. (Jonathan Hardis; Danny Bravman, Chicago)
Girl, Interrupted and Ben-Hur: Fire Winona Ryder and Charlton Heston; hire Chastity/Chaz Bono. (Marc Sasseville, Burke, a First Offender; Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.)
Mannix: Fire Mike Connors; hire Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Star Trek : Replace Leonard Nimoy with Dennis Kucinich and save on ear prosthetics. (Kevin Dopart)
This Is Spinal Tap: Fire Christopher Guest; hire Bo Derek — “These go to 11.” (Steven Price, New York)
Sex, Lies, and Videotape: Fire James Spader; hire John Edwards. (Marc Sasseville)
Replace Lassie in all her films with Scarlett Johansson. It will be a little odd having her walk around on all fours with no clothes on, but the movies will all be much better. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Old Yeller: Fire Tommy Kirk; hire Michael Vick. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Twelve Angry Men: Fire the whole jury; hire Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann, Mel Gibson, Christian Bale, Rahm Emanuel, Bobby Knight, John McEnroe, Kanye West, Howard Beale, Yosemite Sam and the Winklevoss twins. (Gary Crockett)
The Sound of Music: Replace Julie Andrews with Roseanne Barr to end those annoying reruns on TV. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Forrest Gump: Replace Tom Hanks with Rahm Emanuel, who will say, “Life is nothing like a box of chocolates, which comes with a map and you always know what you’re going to get — unless you’re a moron.” (Kevin Dopart)
127 Hours: Fire James Franco, rehire James Franco, add Anne Hathaway. Air on ABC at the end of February. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Pimp My Ride: Fire Xzibit, hire Kwame Brown. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
American Idol: Fire Steve Tyler, J. Lo and Randy Jackson; hire rock, paper and scissors. (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif., a First Offender)
The Dark Knight: Replace Heath Ledger with Sarah Palin: Though Ledger was brilliant, you still felt there were limits to what his character would do to get what he wanted. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
Legally Blonde: Fire Reese Witherspoon; hire Linda Lovelace, whose character gets all her clients off. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Super Bowl XLV: Fire Christina Aguilera; hire any kindergartner from Dallas. (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn., a First Offender)
Next week: Reprizing, or Credit applications