The Style Invitational Week 911 Help!

By Pat Myers, Friday, March 18, 2:54 PM


Man: My wife has been attacked by a warthog!


911 dispatcher: Where are you located?


Man: 1845 Eucalyptus Drive.


911: Can you spell that?


Man: Uh, I’ll drag her on over to Oak Street . . .


That’s basically the dialogue in a recorded “911 call” that’s been making the online rounds and sounds uncannily like a well-delivered comedy sketch. Because even the Invite doesn’t do 9/11 jokes (well, not many), Loser Doug Frank suggests we exploit the week number this way: Create a short, humorous dialogue – or a monologue featuring one party — of a phone call to 911, or a call for help to someone else.


Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, discourtesy of Loser for Life Tom Witte, a seemingly well-used copy of “The Self-Destruction Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You.”


Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 28; results to be published April 17 (April 15 online). Include “Week 911” in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp.



Report from Week 904.5: The second half of your neologisms formed by moving the first letter of a real word to the end: Take a second to see what the original word was — it always relates to the new word.


The winner of the Inker


Ommutec: The Egyptian god of wasted time. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)


2 Winner of the basketball-hoop-on-your-head game: Pectacles: Gladiator movies. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)


3 Poonerisms: Wordplay used to sneak a dirty joke into print. (Roy Ashley, Washington)


4 Uh: How most Americans would respond, if asked to name the President of China. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)


Moved to the rear: Honorable mentions


NCyclopediae: Reference books accessible only to ages 17 and up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)


Noozes: Periods of “watching” CNN in your recliner. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)


Normouse: A giant Scandinavian rat. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C., a First Offender)


Nthilla: A grain of sand. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich)


NYthinga: What you buy from a Manhattan street vendor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


Oblessen: Take from the poor and give to the rich. “All GOP congressional freshmen eventually learn to oblessen.” (Kevin Dopart)


Octorated: Took eight years to get three letters. (Christopher Lamora)


Oinc: The ka-ching of pork-barrel spending. (Kevin Dopart)


Olcatl: The Aztec god of silly Internet memes. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)


Omunculush: A really ugly drunk. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)


Onnaget: A new device to provide boarding assistance for extremely large airline passergers. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)


Onotonym: A boring nickname. (Kevin Dopart)


Oogleg: A Web site you pore over for half an hour when you’d been searching for something else. (Jan Broulik, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)


Oreak: A creature that has a splendidly developed lower half, but a sparse and hideous upper half. (Tom Witte)


Ornadot: Map marking designating a trailer park. (Kevin Dopart)


Ortlyp: The scientific term for jowls. (Tom Witte)


Osseling: The act of publicly displaying one’s children for profit. (Bill Oldach, Potomac, a First Offender)


Ouched: Called a demeaning name. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)


Ouchet: The sting of a witty rebuttal. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)


Oursy: Kind of belonging to both of us even though I didn’t pay for any of it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)


Piglottise: To talk while eating. (Vic Krysko)


Possumo: Specialty of Trattoria Westvirginico. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)


Roublet: Rural French child you can see coming from a kilometre away. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)


Rumpt: Fired from an apprenticeship. (Nathan Lindsey, Arlington; Sande Brecher, Rockville, both First Offenders)


Sic: Describing overly graphic TV crime dramas. (Craig Dykstra)


Sparagusa: A Mediterranean tourist spot that’s a bit of an acquired taste . . . and smell. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)


Steriska: A Soviet “female” athlete. (Tom Witte)


Tahu: New name for the Great Salt Lake to attract more tourists (Tony Phelps, Washington)


Theista: A Sunday morning nap. (Lynda Gattozzi, Bethesda, a First Offender)


Ummush: Hummus. (Brendan Beary)


Undays: When you fix the things you messed up the rest of the week. (Paul Rubenstein, Manassas Park, a First Offender)


Uplicated: Made twice as difficult. (Kevin Dopart)


Zone-O: The really high seats at FedEx. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)


And Last: M-presse: The first part of the butt-kissing procedure. (Craig Dykstra)


Next week: Recast away, or Role muddles