The Style Invitational Week 898 Pre-current events
Saturday, December 11, 2010;
Feb. 13: Lady Gaga shocks the Grammy Awards audience by appearing in a knee-length navy blue coatdress from Sears.
There will undoubtedly be no shortage of ridiculous news items that will help the Greater Loser Community satiate the gaping maw of Style Invitational contests throughout next year. But why wait for them? Let's just make our own, ahead of time. This week: Predict some humorous news event that would happen in 2011, as in the example above. Which is by 41-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who writes his own weekly humor column, Culture Shlock, which appears in several California newspapers and online. And every January, Malcolm offers up his predictions for the coming year, none of which, yet, has come true.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fabulous Pointless Calendar, a big wall-hung thing featuring, for each month, a large photo of something boring, like a piece of asphalt, as well as the "calendar" part that includes a handy 40 days per month (but no days of the week). We guarantee that this this calendar will never ever go out of date. Donated by the similarly dateless Loser Brendan Beary.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 20. Put "Week 898" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte.
Report from Week 894, in which we invited you to enter (or reenter) almost any of the year's previous contests, using the current newspaper in contests that asked for plays on that week's headlines. It's amazing how many contests were just perfect for humor about airport pat-downs and money in bras. Given the space limitations of the print page, most of the long-form Losing entries, such as song parodies and Venn diagrams, appear at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.
The winner of the Inker
Week 855, poems on the news:
A Double Tactile
Fondles my stuff in an
Many object to this
Sadly for me it's the
Height of my day.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
2 winner of the Valerie Flame Hot Sauce plus the Splat brand Russian toothpaste: Week 872, combine the beginnings of someone's first and last name: Ruslim: A worshiper of an intolerant, hateful deity. (John Holder, Charlotte)
3 Week 847, a question that a sentence in that week's Post might answer:
A. I could see if I had done something wrong.
Q. So, how would you know if your plan to punish yourself succeeded, Oedipus? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
4 Week 885, a bank headline under an actual Post headline:
Head: Panel calls for federal workers' sacrifice
Bank: Tickets go on sale tomorrow
(Mike Braton, Alexandria, a First Offender)
Once more with failing: honorable mentions
Week 843, the line preceding a famous line of literature: ZIIIIIIIIP.Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village, though . . . (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
Week 847, questions for Post sentences: A. She sighs and drops her head. Q. I hear you're playing Marie Antoinette in the school play - what does your character do? (Russell Beland)
Week 848, rhopalic sentences, in which each successive word is one letter longer: So Joe, only you're having trouble spelling Murkowski. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Week 849, homonym neologisms: Midknight: Where the jouster's lance stopped. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)
Week 852, reverse rhopalic sentences: Fundraiser announced; Johnsons mistype invite, offer "cash bra." (Craig Dykstra)
Week 860 Define someone or something in exactly 10 words: Benjamin Netanyahu: In any conflict, depend on him to make a settlement. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
Week 870, Ask Backward: questions to match phrases we supplied: A. Avoid these potty training missteps. Q. What is the subtitle of the parents' guide "Turn the Other Cheek"? (Bernhard Saxe, Springfield)
Week 871, slightly altered movie titles: Center the Dragon: Bruce Lee takes up yoga. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Snakes on a Panel: Executives from Lehman Brothers, BP and Halliburton testify before Congress on the need for easing government restrictions. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington, a First Offender)
Three Men Sand a Baby: A home improvement project goes horribly wrong. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Up in the Hair: Lice in Wonderland. (Craig Dykstra)
Week 885, bank headlines: Post headline: Democratic strategists ready to take page from GOP playbook Bank head: Pelosi, Hoyer call Obama a foreign-born socialist traitor (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Wizards fade in follow-up
'Deathly Hallows Part 2' deemed anticlimactic (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Week 886, palindrome neologisms: Junknuj: The TSA's first line of defense. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Next week: Picture this, or Dada mining
Picking our nos: More honorable mentions from Week 894 of the Style Invitational
In Week 894, we invited you to submit entries to almost any of the previous year's contests. There wasn't a lot of room for long-form results, such as song parodies, in the print Post, so here are some more honorable mentions.
Week 855, poems based on the news:
O come, O come home, Rahm Emanuel,
And save Chicago from financial hell.
We're glad to hear you'll nix a tax increase;
(If only your profanity would cease.) (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Week 843, the line preceding a famous line of writing:
I am the Washington Redskins and . . .
It's getting to the point where I'm no fun anymore. I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud . . . (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Why did the manager of the Seattle baseball team pull his pitcher?
It is an ancient Mariner and he stoppeth one of three. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Week 845, new definitions for readers' neologisms from earlier contests:
Frostitute: Hoar. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Week 847, a question that could be answered by a sentence in The Post:
A. Among her responsibilities were marketing, public relations, financial management and staff development.
Q. How does her resume deal with her having worked in a brothel for three years? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
A. Talk about setting a low bar.
Q. Grumpy, what do you plan to do with Dopey at Snow White's wedding reception? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Week 851, "downsize" a title:
"West Side Tweet": Riff dies. Bernardo dies. Tony dies. Maria cries. (Craig Dykstra)
Week 855, poems about the news:
Airport security: yikes, what a mess!
Passengers claiming all sorts of distress.
Just about everyone -- kid, woman, man --
Wants to abstain from the full body scan.
(Aside from the fact that it isn't attractive,
Fliers don't want to be radioactive.)
As for the pat-down, the outcry is big:
"Keep your fat hands off my thingamajig!"
Travelers think it is breaking the rules
For strangers to mess with the family jewels.
As jackets come off, and the hat, and the sandal,
People keep flying -- right off of the handle. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Week 855 AND Week 877, limericks including one specified line (Line 4 here):
Ms. Johnson's inflection got snotty
When the cop planned on searching her body.
Would he find what she had?
She said, "Never, you cad,
'Cause I flushed all that stuff down the potty." (Beverley Sharp)
Week 864, spoonerism neologisms:
Clunear: Causing an even hotter reaction. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Week 867, "grandfoals":
Shiver Me Timbers x Take the Fifth = Davy Jones' Liquor (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Liquidity Event x Ad Infinitum = From Beer to Eternity (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)
Week 869, reverse crossword:
GRR: Grrl, interrupted (Jeff Contompasis)
Week 871, slightly altered movie titles:
Boyz N the Mood: Peace comes at last to South Central in this modern-day retelling of "Lysistrata." (Nancy Schwalb, Washington, a First Offender)
Jurassic Ark: After 40 days and 40 nights, only one predator remains . . . (William Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio, a First Offender)
Deep Threat A dirty movie about a British oil company that goes down too far. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
"True Liesl": The eldest von Trapp daughter is secretly a government agent. (Craig Dykstra)
Week 879, Venn/Euler diagrams:
By Russell Beland
By Ward Kay, Vienna
Week 877, rhyming couplets about the news:
"Sold!" slams the gavel, and the thrilled crowd hurrahs.
At 69 million bucks, it's not a vase, it's a vahs. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)
Newly elected Rep. Andy Harris (R-Md.):
"I'm opposed to the Dems' redistribute-our-wealth plan;
But first," Harris asks, "Where's my government health plan?" (Chris Doyle)
Week 882, limericks featuring dr- words:
Just before le docteur pulled the plug
Pierre gave his pet chicken a hug.
With cholesterol soaring,
The tears came a-pouring
He lamented, "Ah, l'oeuf was my drug." (Brian Cohen, Potomac)
Week 885, bank headlines based on real Post headlines:
Post head: Friedgen has become Maryland institution
Bank head: Coach deemed fat enough to be own campus (Ira Allen, Bethesda; Craig Dykstra)
Vomiting got only worse as time went on
Watching Eagles game film proves gut-wrenching for Redskins (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Jessica Simpson, NFL player Johnson engaged
'In time I'll grow to love the rest of him too,' she promises (Gary Crockett)
Real southern exposure for Va. class
William & Mary seminar institutes "pants-optional" dress code (Beverley Sharp)
Getting a leg up on D.C. Council
Dog park patrons participate in legislative markup session (Kevin Dopart)
Inspector general challenged in hearing
Inability to see evil or speak evil already confirmed (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Week 876, song parodies about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill:
(To "Summertime")Profit time -- your forgivin' came easy.
Wells are pumpin', and gas prices are high.
Your execs are rich, your commercials are cookin'.
So hush little BP, don't you cry.
One of these mornings, we're gonna wise up, thinkin':
"Let's drive electric cars, let's give solar a try."
And when that morning finally makes its dawning,
Farewell, little BP, it's bye-bye. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
(To "Let It Be")
When I find myself in tides of tar balls,
Bobby Jindal comforts me:
We'll have reimbursement from BP.
And when the well's still leaking,
Who will set the plug below the sea?
Obama has the answer: Let BP . . . (Howard Stevens, Alexandria)