The Style Invitational Week 882 Limerixicon 7
By The Empress
Saturday, August 14, 2010; C02
I wouldn't put anything past her.
She's a fly that makes doots
In the flesh of your fruits --
A master of household disaster.
It's the Doggerel Days of August: time for our annual visit to the unending quest of Chris J. Strolin and his Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which he and his contributors have been working assiduously since 2004 to present a limerick for every meaning for every word in the language, from A- to Ab- to . . . This week: Supply a humorous limerick prominently featuring any English word, name or term beginning with the letters dr-, as in the example above by Pulitzer Prize-winning Entomological Versifier Gene Weingarten of Washington (the fruit fly is pronounced "droSOPHila," by the way). See www.oedilf.com for our rules on limerick rhyme and meter. Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. The second-place limericist receives a pair of Handerpants, little tighty-whitey briefs for your hands that, in inexplicable good taste, lack an actual fly for the middle finger. Donated by Craig Dykstra and modeled here by the hands of Loser Back in the Day Kelli Midgley.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 23. Put "Week 882" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sept. 11. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. "Doggerel Days of August" is by Nan Reiner.
Report from Week 878, in which we asked for some not very sensible ways to make our nation more secure: Many, many people suggested, instead of having see-through scanners in airports, that clothes simply be banned during air travel, while many others suggested prohibiting only shoes and underwear. And one person after another volunteered his dog for bomb-sniffing, since Spike was already so effective at sniffing crotches.
The winner of the inker:
Assign GOP senators as flight marshals. They won't let ANYTHING happen. (Jon Graft, Centreville)
2. winner of the "Hello Losers" sign: Shut down the Taliban's heroin business by replacing Franklin's face with Muhammad's on $100 bills. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
3. Hire good-looking women to stand around the airport saying in a loud voice, "Hey, are there any guys out there who can help me cut open this cardboard box?" (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
4.Place a "top cap" tightly over Washington, and pump mud down into it until that stuff stops coming out. (Tom Murphy, Bowie)
Mildly threatening: Honorable mentions
Instead of one huge, expensive wall along our southern border, we build a small, individual wall around each American xenophobe who feels he needs protection. I'm sure we can find some guys in the Home Depot parking lot who can knock these out really cheaply. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
Make it illegal to purchase tactical nuclear weapons without a background check. (Except for those bought at nuclear-weapon shows.) (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
Secure all nuclear material in those plastic clamshells. (Dion Black, Washington)
Avoid the risks of future evil-geniuses inventing Earth-destroying weapons by ensuring that our education system remains crappy. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Put EVERYONE into witness protection. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)
Let the terrorists win. Then maybe they'll stop. -- N. Chamberlain, London, 1938 (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)
Add a bunch of new boxes and lines to the DHS organization chart. (Michael Reinemer, Alexandria)
To deter attacks by submarine, fill the Gulf of Mexico with some kind of black sticky stuff that will mess up periscopes. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Require all threats to be idle. (Andy Wolodkin, Frostburg, Md.)
Install an electric dog fence along our southern border and require every Mexican to wear a special collar. -- T. Tancredo (Joshua Kaplowitz, Arlington)
Require every nation to have one, and only one, nuclear weapon. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Ask suspicious people who won the 2006 World Cup.If they know, they're foreigners and should be thrown in jail. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Eradicate testosterone. (Judy Blanchard)
Open some bombing ranges, like shooting ranges, so that suicide bombers can take live practice runs. (Gary Pasternack, Baltimore)
Manufacture lousy fertilizer. (Jim Reagan, Herndon)
Recruit executives from AIG and Lehman Brothers to infiltrate terror groups and manage their investments. (Gary Crockett)
In Arizona, just arrest everyone -- that way, there's no profiling -- and then release anyone who doesn't look like an illegal immigrant. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Let's keep an eye on people who grow perfect hydrangea bushes. Because, just, grrrrrr. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
How tragic it is when a child or grandmother is felled by a stray bullet in a gang shooting. We must act now: mandatory marksmanship classes for all gang members. (Ward Kay, Vienna)
To fight germ warfare, finally start enforcing those "Employee Must Wash Hands" signs -- no more doing it yourself. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Protect the nation from natural disasters by tasking the Department of Homeland Security to go down to Brazil, find that damn butterfly and kill it before it can flap its wings again. (Tom Murphy)
Next week: Say Venn, or Warning: Graphic Depictions of Sets