The Style Invitational Week 878 Safety in blunders Making the country more secure (not)
By The Empress
Saturday, July 17, 2010; C02
Require all suitcases to be see-through.
Indeed, there are lots of bad people out there who want to get us. And indeed, there are lots of bad ideas about how to prevent them from doing it. This week: Tell us a way to make the nation more secure, as in the sensible suggestion above by Loser Peter Metrinko, who proposed this contest. Note: While we love pointed political humor, we are looking for jokes, not screedy rants, and especially not racist rants. They are not funny and we like funny.
Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome 12-by-15-inch signthat will designate your home, office, latrine, etc., as a Loser-friendly site. Donated by Occasional Loser Thad Humphries of Way Out There in Rural Virginia.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 26. Put "Week 878" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.
Report from Week 874, in which we asked to compose Facebook "status lines" that included at least seven words and phrases from a list of 50 we supplied. You'll notice that some entries have as much to do with anyone's "status" as most of the lines do on the actual Facebook.
The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple; escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison; fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa.
The winner of the Inker
Stopping to hyperventilate on my climb up the "escalator" -- Metro-speak for "metal stair museum" -- now in its chronic status: on vacation. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C., formerly of Rockville)
2.the winner of "Prez BaRock," basically a rock sitting at a little Oval Office desk: D.C. has more chronic problems than a Metro escalator, but as long as Congress exerts parental control on the District, Mayor Fenty is less likely to succeed than a hockey goalie trying to get dental insurance. (Ward Kay, Vienna)
3. W00T! Got Bluetooth wireless implanted in my bicuspid today. No more effete "Lt. Uhura" museum pieces or chronic ear infections for me! Weird -- a call came in and my mouth just went all squishy. The batteries in this thing are acid-free, right? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
4.Which one of the following is NOT a euphemism? (1) "bacon-wrapped asparagus"; (2) "burped her Tupperware"; (3) "bottomless slurpee"; (4) "the goalie's out of the crease"; (5) "made a tuba player hyperventilate"; or (6) "bypassed her parental controls"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Weakened updates: Honorable mentions
At dinner, my date showed me her New Yorker cartoon contest entry: Her effete punch line was that the anagram of "a pineapple" is "an apple pie." My Facebook status remains "single and looking." (Ward Kay)
Contracted a ginormous case of "BP rash" on vacation. "Down south" is strewn with oily, squishy zits. (Jeff Contompasis)
Mayor Fenty (when he's not on vacation) wants us to believe he's a chronic Santa, with his largess strewn all over the metro area. What a bunch of asparagus. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
My teenager is on vacation at the beach, out of parental control. Am I worried that, like a zit-covered fastball, he'll make a beeline to some wild party serving martini slurpees to 14-year-olds? Nah. The beach house has wireless -- he'll spend the whole time IM'ing his friends how he knows we're at home hyperventilating over him. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
I hear that Rep. Joe Barton plans a dinner to present BP with a ginormous conservation trophy for its success in protecting otters and muskrats from the oily glop it spilled into the Gulf of Mexico. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
Hey, this morning I'm 10 years acid-free! And I feel great. Except for a little hyperventilating when the ginormous harpsichord-playing otter comes over for martinis. And I wouldn't even mind that, if he could play something other than Lady Gaga. (Russ Taylor)
You can put the "apple" in "pineapple," you can put the "zit" in "ziti," you can even put the "BP" in "bicuspid" -- but try to put the "F" in "way" and they'll tell you there's no "F" in "way." And when I saw this status contest, I said that too. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Can anyone help a zit-faced tuba player with a chronic body rash get a trophy wife who looks like Lindsay Lohan? The case of "Hung Like Secretariat" lotion I bought didn't work out. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
An idea for a New Yorker cartoon: It's Christmas vacation, and an effete pair are out to dinner, stirring their martinis with asparagus stalks. One says, "By the way, I've been seeing Santa." The other asks wryly, "Oh? Claus or Barbara?" (Dudley Thompson)
There are ways to improve your manly status during your beach vacation. You could put a squishy apple or a relatively calm otter down the front of your Speedo, but even better would be strewing a BP executive trophy head or two along the shore. (Kevin Dopart)
Health status update: Just back from doctor: Had to remove a projectile from my mouth; extensive dental work needed. Note to self: Do not trash-talk Strasburg's fastball -- missing two bicuspids, lookin' like the Caps' goalie! Santa, all I want for Christmas is two front teeth. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Next week: Fail us, or Duh things we do