The Style Invitational Week 877 Quipped from the headlines

By The Empress

Saturday, July 10, 2010; C02


So "subjects," not "citizens," flowed from Tom's pen --

I guess that's still shorter than "fat rich white men."


Hardly anyone has time anymore -- or at least the inclination -- to read long newspaper stories. Gone are the days of leisurely discursions about The Meaning of It All. Now it's about telling The Meaning of It All right up front, preferably getting in a lot of keywords that the automated "bots" of the Google and Yahoo search engines will notice.


We're not asking for the keywords, but we do demand the Soul of Wit (along with said wit). This week: Write a rhyming couplet about some matter in the news, as in the example above from 50-time Loser Anne Paris of Arlington, who suggested this contest way back in the days of Balloon Boy.


Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy.  Second place receives an actual pretty good book called "Are You a Miserable Old Bastard?," a collection of curmudgeonly witty quotes, donated by the pre-curmudgeonly Loser Tom Witte.


Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 19. Put "Week 877" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 7. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Craig Dykstra.


Report from Week 873, in which we presented a filled-in crossword puzzle grid, minus a few letters from each word. You got to fill in the letters for any of the words yourselves -- forming either an existing word or phrase or one you coined -- and provide a funny definition. The week's most frequently submitted entry was 44 Across: "Mightier than the sword." Oh gosh, you naughty people, you.


The winner of the Inker


36A: GO FOR THE REGULAR: Rallying cry of the mediocre. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac)


2. winner of the pooping-horse key chain stuck in poop position:


36A: GO FOR IT MS SALAHI: Michaele's morning mirror mantra. (Randy Lee, Burke)


3. 20A: NIXED: What happened to that 18 minutes of tape. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)


4.27A: GONAD: A cheer for Octomom. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)


Clues but no cigar: Honorable Mentions


1A: DREDLUST: How Stella got her groove back. (Christopher Lamora)


1A: DONTLUST: What it took a clubbing to teach Tiger. (Steve Gorman, Falls Church)


1A: DADALUST: Being hot for MoMA. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich)


17A: PORNBEAR: Genital Ben. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)


19A: SSA: Another gusher needing to be capped. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)


20A: FIXED: What Viagra does. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)


20A: NIXTY: Age at which you started saying no when you used to say yes. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)


30A: OVULATTE: Breeding grounds. (Beverley Sharp)


30A: OVALCUBE: Symbolic White House downsizing. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


36A: GO FORTH AND DRILL: Energy policy of the religious right. (Stu Solomon, Chapel Hill, N.C.)


40A: MINCES: Tiny critters slaughtered to make pies at Christmastime. (Jeff Contompasis)


42A: BRANEMEN: The guys who belong to Densa. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)


50A: APTLY: How Tom sought temp. housing. (Jeff Contompasis)


59A: JINTAO: Who's Hu in China? (Chris Doyle)


59A: BUN TAX: Airline surcharge for large-seated passengers. (Pat Kanz, Ocean Pines, Md.)


59A: MANTAG: That ritual athletes have of slapping each other on the butt. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)


61A: AGYNDA: The platform of NOW. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)


62A: STOMPTOE: A basic step in the ox trot. (Chris Doyle)


1D: DOTE: Poison. (Jeff Contompasis)


7D: SHOX: With "Aw," what the student said after "Don't tase me, bro." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)


8D: THRASH MY BIG ZITS: The new in-your-face name for Clearasil. (Howard Walderman)


19D: LEARIER: Newly wary about your children's motives when they suck up to you. (Christopher Lamora)


21D: BEERDED: Foamy around the mouth after too big a swig. (Brendan Williamson, Richmond, a First Offender)


21D: MERRIER: How the widow felt after taking off her corset. (Beverley Sharp)


25D: FLAWS: Anti-profanity ordinances. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)


27D: YUGO: What doesn't happen much in your Serbian car. (Ed Gordon, Austin)


28D: THOU BUTT UG: Quaker trash talk. (Howard Walderman)


30D: OBLIVIA: Country whose national flower is the forget-me. (Christopher Lamora)


43D: ASPOTS: What they found on Cleopatra. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)


43D: ASSETS: Where the pain hits when the investments tank. (Dan Gordon, Arlington)


44D: PRYOFF: Not the cap you want on your bottle of heart medicine. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)


Next week: Stat us, or Defacebook


The bad and the ugly: More movie wordplays from Week 871

Saturday, July 10, 2010; 12:00 AM


More honorable mentions from Week 871, in which we asked you to change a movie title by adding, deleting or changing one letter, or transposing two nearby ones:


Apocalypso Now: Napalm come and me wan' go home. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


A la Tar: An ingenious Cajun chef saves Grandma's restaurant by adapting seafood recipes to new conditions and calling it Nouvoil Cuisine. (Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.)


A Beautiful Hind: The J-Lo story. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)


Ben-Hurl: A vomitory attendant at the Circus Maximus dreams of becoming a charioteer. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)


A Rug's Life: A vain man discovers that his new toupee (voiced by Gilbert Gottfried) has an in-your-face personality of its own. (Will Cramer, Herndon, Va.)


Hamadeus: Phil Silvers is driven to insane jealousy by the effortless genius of Jerry Lewis. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)


The Food: The Bad and the Ugly: An Army training film. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)


It's a Wonderful Lift: How the Wonderbra is reshaping America. (Seth Tucker, Washington)


Lorenzo's Moil: Unable to find a competent rabbi, a family attempts the bris on its own. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)


Raiders of the Lost Mark: South Carolina state police, the National Guard and the national press corps search the entire Appalachian Trail looking for Gov. Sanford. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)


A Night to Demember: Lorena Bobbitt reminisces about life with John. (Seth Tucker)


O Brothel Where Art Thou?: Three prison escapees on an urgent quest. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)


The Seventh Seat: A knight plays musical chairs with Death. (Carla Haus, Chevy Chase, Md., a First Offender)


Silence of the Iambs: A poet struggles desperately with writer's block. (Sheri Tardio, Prince Frederick, Md.)


Headline by Roy Ashley, Washington