The Style Invitational Week 874 Stat us
Saturday, June 19, 2010; C02
Apple martini Slurpees and some sort of glop that appeared to be muskrat with ziti. Late New Year's resolution: Never accept a dinner invite from Lady Gaga again!
For the three of you out there who aren't yet familiar with Facebook: Everyone with a Facebook account can post a "status line" -- basically a short announcement that's broadcast to the person's "friends" who see it on their "news feed." Facebook users often use their status lines to say what they're doing today, what they just did, when they'll be away from home in case any burglars are reading this, etc. But many people also use their status lines for various wry observations and words of (dubious) wisdom: One of the most off-the-wall Facebook pundits is our own Bob Staake, who entertains his 2,442 friends with such pronouncements as "A riding lawnmower: One of 50,000 household items that can't be wrapped in a tortilla -- easily, I mean."
Bob is so enamored of Facebook that he offers this week's contest: Write a funny Facebook status line -- anywhere up to 420 characters (or 30 words, to be safe if you don't want to count) but far shorter passages are welcome -- that incorporates at least seven of the 50 words and phrases listed below, as in Bob's example above. You may make the word plural or change its tense, and may also change capitalization. You don't get ink just for fitting in dozens of words on the list; you get ink for being funny and clever. You don't have to use your line as your Facebook status, or even have a Facebook account, but if you do, both the Empress and Bob will be happy to accept your friend request.
The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple; escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison; fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an idiotic little diorama consisting of a cardboard presidential desk at which sits an egg-shaped stone. It is called Prez BaRock. Ho ho! Passed along by Style's Christian Hettinger.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 28. Put "Week 874" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published July 17. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; this week's honorable-mentions subhead was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte.
Report from Week 870, in which we printed a list of phrases that were entries for the Week 865 Googlenope contest (i.e., they couldn't be found on Google at the time) and asked you to provide question that the 'nopes might answer:
The winner of the Inker
A. "Tattoos your mom will love":
Q. Daddy, what are you going to get me during your next custody weekend? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
2. the winner of the Obama bobbletorso:
A. "The ruly and gruntled mob"
Q. What was the benefit of secondhand smoke at the NORML rally? (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)
3. "Larry King workout DVD":
What includes the segments "Pulling Up Your Suspenders," "Tossing Softball Questions" and "Tying the Knot"? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
4. "E. Coli Puns":
Which distinguished gentleman escorted Sam and Ella to the Bad Word play? (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)
Quiz Nos: Honorable Mentions
-- "The ruly and gruntled mob":
What do they become when you slip Valium into their tea bags? (Russell Beland)
How would you describe the crowd reacting to PBS's cancellation of "Bill Moyers' Journal"? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
What's the nickname for the Canadian Mafia? (Randy Lee, Burke)
-- "Dick Cheney at his cuddliest":
What do you call a guy who shoots you in the face? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville; Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
What will the former veep's tombstone say? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
In terms of warm fuzzies, what ranks between wolverine attack and holistic colonoscopy? (Russell Beland)
-- "Tattoos your mom will love":
What are your med school diploma and law degree engraved on your biceps? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
What include "If you can read this, you're too close"? (Larry Flynn, Greenbelt)
-- "More awesome than a meal of road-kill possum":
What did West Virginia reject as its state motto in favor of "Montani Semper Liberi"? (Pam Sweeney; Kevin Dopart, Washington)
What's a meal of road-kill possum with a side of armadillo on the half-shell? (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
What was the reaction of Bill Clinton to his first taste of British cuisine at Oxford? (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
-- "My condolence card to Bernie Madoff":
What's that origami middle finger? (Mark Richardson, Washington)
"Adoptive Grandparents' Day!" Come on, is there ANYTHING Hallmark doesn't have a product for? (Russell Beland)
-- "A Luddite visionary":
Who invented the steam calculator? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
What do the more gracious Apple partisans call Bill Gates? (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
-- "Tildes, umlauts and schwas":
What did Victor Borge save for his randier late-night shows? (Leighanne Mazure, Forest Hills, N.Y.)
What on the menu tips you off that this might not be a very authentic Chinese restaurant? (Mike Peck, Alexandria)
What law firm should you contact if you have been diacritically injured? (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
-- "Avoid these potty training missteps":
What article advises parents not to teach toddlers the mnemonic "First you sit, then you . . ." (Cheryl Davis)
What advice includes not to tell your child, "If you don't give the Poop Monster his pound, he'll come and take it out of you?" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
What did Gov. Schwarzenegger tell his chief of protocol while planning a big gala? (Randy Lee)
-- "Larry King workout DVD":
What is "Sweating With the Oldie"? (Lawrence McGuire)
Where, for once, might you hear Larry King say something that could make someone sweat? (Kevin Dopart)
Next Week: Remarquees, or Nutflix