The Style Invitational Week 866 Natalie Portmanteau
By The Empress
Saturday, April 24, 2010; C02
Boy George Gershwin: Composer of "Rhapsody in Lavender." (Tom Witte)
Thomas Jefferson Clinton: President who penned the famous line "We hold these half-truths to be legally accurate." (Douglas Riley)
Heimlichtenstein: A small country firmly lodged between Austria and Switzerland. (Sandra Hull)
This contest, which we did with slight variations in 1998 and 2003, is modeled on the frequent "Jeopardy!" portmanteau category called "Before and After": Begin with a real name; append to it a word, name or expression so that they overlap; and finally define (humorously, of course) the resulting phrase, as in the above examples from the 1998 contest. The spellings don't have to apply accurately to both of the elements; for example, "Mister Rogers and Hammerstein" is fine even though the composer's name is spelled Rodgers. But they must be pronounced the same, and if the spellings are too far off, that's likely to spoil the joke.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this battery-operated SELF-DISPENSING Loser Liquor Dispenser, donated by Loser Christopher Lamora and put into use at the Losers' Holiday Party at the Empress's palace in January. Push a button and the Loser turns his head back and forth to make sure no one is coming, then turns on the tap of the barrel. And you see where that's conveniently located.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets (in a TBA new design!). First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 3. Put "Week 866" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published May 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was sent by both Andrew Hoenig and Jeff Contompasis; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Judy Blanchard.
And we present this week in the slide show at the top of this page the newest pair of our lusted-after Loser Magnets for honorable mentions. The slogans, submitted in response to a recent request on the online discussion group The Style Conversational, are by Losers Craig Dykstra ("We Put the Rude in Erudition") and Kevin Dopart ("Mirth Certificate"), and the magnets were of course designed by Bob Staake, who wins a magnet.
Report from Week 862: Sometimes it's not enough to be the best: You have to be good, too. And alas, for whatever reason, the contest seeking funny cheers or fight songs for professional and national teams just didn't deliver anything that was truly worthy of a cheap reproduction of "The Thinker" with a bag on its head. Or for that matter, a mug or shirt.
However, given their appropriateness to the occasion, and the fact that we want to get rid of them, we award the second prize of the Vancouver Olympics magnet and Flarp Noise Putty to:
For any team in
Florida: Gooooo . . . say, honey, what's the name of the team we like?
(George Smith, Frederick)
Pom Scum: Honorable Mentions
For the Washington Wizards: (Don't) SHOOT! (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Redskins, Redskins, they're our guys!
If they can't do it . . . no surprise.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Team Canada: Please forgive us if we beat you. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)
Baltimore Orioles: Pray for rain! (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Team Saudi Arabia: We will, we will stone you! (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
Montreal Alouettes: Gimme an Eh! (Josh Borken, Minneapolis)
Gimme an L! Gimme another L!
[edited for space] Gimme an H!
What's that spell?
(Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Team Mexico baseball: Give us the runs! (Kevin Dopart)
Team North Korea: 2,4,6,8, let us brutally destroy our enemies and bask in the admiration and glory of our Dear Leader, who is great! (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
Let's go, Redskins, give a cheer! We just love Coach [add name here]. (Craig Dykstra)
Detroit Red Wings: Watch our team control the puck -- the only thing here that doesn't suck. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
Ain't no payroll high enough, ain't no scandal low enough, ain't no ego wide enough to keep me from cheerin' for you! Go Yankees! (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Hockey's San Jose Sharks:
The Sharks will get you, there's no doubt;
We'll chew you up and spit you out!
(This plan is maybe not so hot:
Our teeth are missing -- we forgot.)
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)
The Boston Red Sox, best with glove
Along with wicked ball and bat
To this great team, I give my love
Straight from the bottom of my heart. *
* It does too rhyme. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Next week: It's Post time, or Pun for the Roses