The Style invitational Week 860: Ten, anyone?
By The Empress
Saturday, March 13, 2010; C02
Tiger Woods: World's greatest golfer. Plays a round and then plays around.
Neil Armstrong: What a messy man -- left footprints all over the moon.
For those who don't want to count to 140: There's a new Web site called Ten Word Wiki, where its founders, Englishmen Nathan Spong and Ben Morgan, are compiling a dictionary/encyclopedia "for the ADD generation" in which all the entries are exactly 10 words long, mordantly witty ones preferred. They're up past 4,000 entries. Let's help them out. Yours will be better.
This week: Humorously define or describe something or someone in exactly 10 words (hyphenated compound words are one word), as in the examples above lifted from the site. Check www.tenwordwiki.com/All_Pages to make sure you don't duplicate what's already there. (You may use the same subject, but your entry must be substantially different to get ink here, and you might not be able to post it there.) Don't post your Invitational entries there until our results are published -- if the Empress sees a definition there that's the same as the one you sent, it's toast.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a DVD of an actual documentary called "Chick Flick: The Miracle Mike Story," which tells the incredible story of Mike the Headless Chicken, who toured the carnival circuits for 18 months after being decapitated.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 22. Put "Week 860" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published April 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart. This week's contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan.
Report From Week 856, in which we sought titles of Books That Will Never Be Published for these covers by the otherwise successful children's-book author-illustrator Bob Staake: Bob himself chose the top five entries from the list of finalists that the Empress gave him.
The winner of the Inker
1. Book A: "Pippi Bongstocking" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
-- Book A Honorable mentions
"You Were Adopted, but You Weren't Our First Choice" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
"Cindy and the Psilocybin": Cindy finds out too late what her teacher Mr. Leary meant by "class trip." (Miles D. Moore, Alexandria)
"The Rosy-Cheeked Sinner": Pat Robertson's guide to spotting Satan's minions. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
"Mother's Little Helper Finds Mother's Little Helpers" (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
"You're Just Losing Your Marbles: A Child's Guide to Psychosis" (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
2. Book B: "Bat the Bunny" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
-- Book B Honorable mentions
"Little Big Mac": Young Mark discovers a special potion that lets him swing a bat that's twice his size! But will anyone notice that his head has blown up like a balloon? (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn; Juan A. Perez, Springfield, a First Offender)
"Mother's Day": Timmy wants to surprise his mother with a new coat, so he's off on an incredible journey to the Arctic in search of baby seals. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
"Horton Hurts a Herndon Day Laborer": A boy helps keep foreigners from taking Daddy's job. (Kevin Dopart)
"Defending Mrs. Wilson": A little boy comes to the aid of his elderly next-door neighbor against her curmudgeonly husband. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.)
"Lefty Saves the Day": In this book for kids who fret about being different, Lefty wins the game with the arm that grows out of his head. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington)
3. Book C: "Little Martha Stewart's Build 'n' Destroy Crafts Book" (Judith Cottrill, New York)
-- Book C Honorable mentions
"Nanny, Get Your Gun" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
"If You Don't Give a Girl a Cookie" (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
"Little Miss Masochist: 101 Tips and Tricks for Getting Spanked in a Timeout World" (Dion Black, Washington)
"Jessica's Ritalin Adventure": No cap is childproof. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
4. Book D: "Why God and I Hate Gay Marriage," by the Rev. Jerry Falwell: Written in simple language for young children and the ignorant, this book explains how a small child's world is turned literally upside down by gay marriage and parenthood. (Sheri L. Tardio, Prince Frederick, Md., a First Offender)
-- Book D Honorable mentions
"Mommy AND Daddy Are Gay": Little Dobson's world is turned upside down when he learns he is the child of the first union of a conservative lesbian and a transgender libertarian. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
"Jimmy Has Two Daddies and One's From Pandora" (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
"Can a Kindergartner Breathe Upside Down? Ten Nifty Science Experiments to Do at School" (Dudley Thompson)
5. Book E: "Everything You Eat Is Dead: The Cycle of Life Begins and Ends With You!" (Kevin Dopart)
-- Book D Honorable mentions
"Whoooo Knows the Number of Rat Parts in Chicken Soup?" (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
"Prince Albert's Revenge": Despite millions of concerned phone calls, Prince Albert was left to die in the can. Some say his ghost haunts kitchens, checking to see if refrigerators are running. (Jeff Brechlin)
"Xylene the Friendly Sniffable Ghost: And Fun With His Volatile Organic Cousins" (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
"The Klan in the Can: The White Tornado Tries to Take Back America" (Kevin Dopart; Dave Zarrow, Reston)
Next week: All FED up, or Redeem Your QPONs