The Style Invitational Week 858 Same OED
By The Empress
Saturday, February 27, 2010; C02
Embase: The chocolate inside the hard candy coating.
It's Part 2 of a contest we started in 2007. Here's a list of words that Loser Ne Plus Ultra Russell Beland has found in another small section of the New Shorter Oxford English Dictionary. If you know what any of them mean -- for example that an exossation is "a depriving of bone or fruit stones" -- good for you, but we don't care.
This week: Make up a false definition for any of the words listed below. You may use it in a funny sentence but not in an unfunny sentence.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place scores the book "The World's Worst: A Guide to the Most Disgusting, Hideous, Inept, and Dangerous People, Places, and Things on Earth."
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 8. Put "Week 858" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 27. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle of Ponder, Tex.; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Brad Alexander of Wanneroo, Australia.
Report from Week 854, in which we asked for jokes in the venerable simile form "men are like . . . ," "women are like . . . ," etc., in eight categories. IMPORTANT NOTE TO THE EASILY OFFENDED: Yes, we realize that many of the jokes below are based on sexist stereotypes and attitudes that do not apply to a great many men and women, and certainly not to you.
The winner of the Inker
Women are like flashlights: Ones with two D's aren't always the brightest, but they'll do when the lights go out. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)
2. the winner of the classic children's book "The Gas We Pass": Men are like Swiss army knives: No matter how useful they appear, they mostly just pick teeth and open beer bottles. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
3.Teenagers are like a freshly bottled wine: They might be palatable seven years from now. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)
4.Men are like the TV yule log: They're easy to turn on, but you're not going to get much warmth out of them. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Hacksimiles: Honorable mentions
A man is like the Loch Ness Monster: You suspect there's something under the surface, but no one's ever seen it. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
Men are like dowsers: They make all their decisions with just one thing, and once in a while even get it right. (Kevin Dopart)
Men are like ringtones: A lot of the time, you'd rather just switch to "vibrate." (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Men are like the women in "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock": They come and go. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
Women are like kidneys: They always go to the bathroom together. (Russell Beland)
Women are like IRS auditors: You get more attention from them when you earn a lot. (David Kleinbard)
A woman is like the Pillsbury Doughboy: soft and pliable -- until she gets burned. (Michelle Stupak)
Women are like closing pitchers: It takes a lot of effort to warm them up just for a few minutes of service. -- W. Beatty, Hollywood (Kevin Dopart)
Women are like members of Congress: They'll do what you want, but you'll have to plead long, hard and loudly, and it's very, very expensive. (Jim Noble, Lexington Park)
Women are like an E-ZPass: The toll for entrance is always exacted later. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Women are like barbed-wire fences -- easy to become entangled with, but extremely difficult to get over without a lot of pain. (Ross Elliffe, Picton, New Zealand)
Dogs are like trips to Cleveland: Each day is like a week. (Russell Beland)
Dogs are like Losers: They have just one use for The Washington Post. (Kevin Dopart)
Cats are like Visa cards: They're everywhere you want to be. (Ray Gardiner, Olney, a First Offender)
Cats are like the Empress Josephine: They'll do anything for a little shrimp. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Cats are like Unitarians: They're always questioning my authority. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Coffee is like life: Early on, we accept cheap "instant" gratification; later on, we have the patience to wait for the most expensive beans to come out of an animal butt. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Starbucks coffee is like Barack Obama: hot, black, and what you shouldn't have if you want to balance your budget. (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville)
Teenagers are like a sci-fi film fest: Plenty of battles, the world keeps ending, and their dates are from another planet. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
Teens are like crops planted in poor soil: You can only hope they'll grow out of it. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Teenagers are like modern art -- neither as dumb nor as deep as people make them out to be. Just something hanging around the place. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Teenagers are like my 1992 Honda Accord: It's super-loud, it's started smoking, it takes forever to start in the winter, and its trunk smells like a dead squirrel. (Josh Borken, Minneapolis)
Facebook is like that White House dinner for the Indian prime minister: It's free and anyone can join in. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)
Facebook is like a pair of nylon panties: synthetic intimacy. (Barbara Turner)
Facebook is like a hangover: You can end up asking yourself, "HOW do I know this person?" (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)
I am like a glass of cabernet: mildly amusing, with an earthy aroma. (Bird Waring)
I am like the Empress: I'm dark-haired and make a lot of jokes, but I never get my name printed in The Style Invitational. (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)
Next week: The news could be verse, or Headline Muse