The Style Invitational Week 754 Canny Similarities

Saturday, March 1, 2008; C02

 

Jesus said: "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)

Elvis said: "Drinks on me!" ("Jailhouse Rock," 1957)

 

No one is really sure if Elvis's middle name was Aron or Aaron.

No one is really sure what the H in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for.

 

The examples above are two of the "uncanny similarities" between the King and, well, the King that are featured on a list that's been spinning through cyberspace, evidently anonymously, for more than a decade, and brought to our attention by Loser Randy Lee. This week: Cite a humorous "uncanny similarity" between any two of the very different people listed below. (Note that the list includes neither Elvis nor Jesus.)

 

Mohandas K. Gandhi

Montgomery Burns

Britney Spears

Napoleon Bonaparte

Eleanor Roosevelt

Tiger Woods

Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Bill Clinton

Groucho Marx

Jane Austen

Moses

Morticia Addams

 

Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a nifty (for those with a low standard of niftiness) board game called Beat the Beltway, donated by Peter Metrinko of suburbia, in which players roll dice and draw cards in a race to get to various Washington area destinations. The compact board fits perfectly on a driver's lap.

 

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 10. Put "Week 754" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 29. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris Doyle. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett.

 

Report From Week 751, in which we asked you to help supply new "unscripted TV fare" to the writer-struck networks by slightly changing the title of a current or past TV show. Just the prospect of your generosity was enough to send the producers scrambling back to the bargaining table to work out an agreement days later.

 

We could program every cable channel for years with the entries submitted for this contest. Some of the most commonly offered titles: "American Idle," "You Bet Your Wife," "Manics," "C*A*S*H," "Bob's New Heart."

 

4. "No Dime for Sergeants": A report on the Army's uncompetitive pay scale. (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)

 

3. "America's Moat Wanted": Lou Dobbs and the anti-immigration crowd insist that a 2,000-mile fence is not enough. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

 

2. the winner of the "Puke & Snot" ball cap:"Missionary: Impossible": A documentary exploring the sex lives of the extremely obese. (Dean Evangelista, Rockville)

 

And the Winner of the Inker

 

"Thee's Company": The history of the Quaker Oats empire. (Wilson Varga, Alexandria)

 

Half Nielsens: Honorable Mentions

 

"Talcum in the Middle": A Lifetime Channel special on treating diaper rash. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

"Where in the World Is San Diego, Carmen?": Game show producers make lemonade out of Americans' geographical illiteracy. (Brendan Beary)

 

"1 vs. 101": Michael Vick is locked in a big cage with a pack of vengeful Dalmatians. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

 

"My Car, the Mother!": Ralph Nader rants about his Detroit lemon. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

 

"Gently, Ben": Alan Greenspan offers advice to his successor on how to achieve a soft landing in a bear market. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

 

"Mister Roget's Neighborhood": PBS show lists synonyms for Word of the Week. (G. Smith, New York)

 

"The A-Teat": Yet another reality show about runway models. (Ralph Scott, Washington; Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)

 

"To Yell the Truth": An exposÚ of secrets learned from waterboarding; an experiment in the one-minute documentary format. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

 

"CBS Evening Muse With Dan Rather": Each night the reinstated news anchor simply describes news stories he wishes were true. (Russell Beland)

 

"Monday Night Foot": The chronicle of a fetishist's weekly tour of shoe stores. (Laura Miller, Chantilly)

 

"Everybody Loves Ramen": Four 18-year-old guys learn to flush the toilet, not put laundry detergent in the dryer, and other life lessons in their first year away from home. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Judith Cottrill, New York)

 

"Picket Feces": A quiet suburb is traumatized by an irresponsible dog walker. (Brendan Beary)

 

"One Lay at a Time": No, no, it's just a contest to see if you really can go without a second potato chip in one sitting. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)

 

"Man Icks": Women try to outdo each other with tales about how gross their husbands are. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

 

"Two and a Quarter Men": The legal machinations between siblings over their father's cryogenically frozen head. (J.P. Devine, Arlington, a First Offender)

 

"Gimme a Beak": A family of 10 stretches a single chicken. (J. Larry Schott)

 

"America's Next Top Mohel": Contestants vie to produce the most creative circumcisions; every week someone gets cut. (Jerrie Olson, Frederick, a First Offender; Brendan Beary)

 

"Gilligan's Isthmus": In this reality show, seven shipwrecked people live as castaways because they are too stupid just to walk back to civilization. (Russell Beland)

 

"America Underclover": Each week forensics experts dig up corpses and examine their states of decomposition. (Michelle Stupak)

 

"Antique Broad Show": "The View." (Brendan Beary)

 

"Secret Pageant Man": Expos┬┐ about the transsexual who was once crowned Miss America. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

 

"The Newly Fed Game": Infants are pitted against each other to see who can burp the loudest and spit up the farthest. (George Smith, Frederick)

 

"Touched by an Anvil": A Wile E. Coyote marathon. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

 

"Deal or No Meal": A report on children being forced to work the blackjack tables in Bangkok casinos. (Chris Doyle)

 

"Hawaii Five Ho": Live from Honolulu, Don Imus and the out-for-revenge Rutgers women's basketball team in a smackdown cage match! (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)

 

"Unsmoke": A lone marshal attempts to enforce the cigarette ban in Dodge City's restaurants. (Russell Beland)

 

"Father Knows Breast": Extreme body makeovers. (Ted Weitzman, Olney)

 

"Dine Nasty": Miss Manners outs people who chew with their mouths open and pick their teeth with their forks. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

 

"The Dorks of Hazard": Actuaries and consultants sit around conducting risk analysis. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

 

"The Straights of San Francisco": Documentary about the little-known other side of that great city. (Jim Ward, Manassas)

 

"Last Vegas": Car restorers halfheartedly work on the final specimens of this loser Chevy model. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

 

"DUMB3RS": Remedial math classes on cable access. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

 

"The UntouchÚ-ables": A year with an undefeated fencing team. (Russell Beland)

 

"Mister Codger's Neighborhood": A day in the life of Leisure World. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

 

"Dadwood": The life of Soon-Yi Previn. Tonight's pilot: "Married . . . to Children." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

 

"Seers": A report on a bar where everybody, including total strangers, knows your name. (Lynn Hunt, Woolford, Md., a First Offender)

 

"The Flying: None": An anthology focusing each week on a different traveler's adventures on Sept. 12, 2001. (Russell Beland)

 

"Beget Smart": Tips on having more intelligent babies. (Randall Kunkel, Spotsylvania, Va.)

 

And Last: "Gypardy": Departing from recent trends, this game show asks really difficult questions for ridiculously low-value prizes like T-shirts and magnets. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

 

Next Week: The Might-Mates Rite, or Where's the Be-If?