Week 744: You OED Us One

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Aurigo: An acute reaction to having ugly furniture in this house.

"Either that Redskins-theme recliner goes aurigo!"

Here are a bunch of words gleaned from a small section of the Oxford English Dictionary. If you know what they mean, get out of here. Or at least forget you know that, for example, an alectoria is a precious stone found in a cock's gizzard. This week: Make up a humorous and false definition for any of the words listed below. Feel free to use it in a hilarious sentence. Do not feel free to use it in an un-hilarious sentence.









































Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives "Find It: A Compass for Chronic Losers," donated by the Lost Kyle Hendrickson of Frederick, who was pictured here this past summer with his custom-designed Loser ear picker. This cool cardboard wheel lets you point to any of dozens of commonly lost items (e.g., keys, hair, confidence), and it'll give you hints about (1) the obvious place to find it, (2) the hidden place, (3) the trick place and (4) Plan B.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 24 (and you'd better not pout about it). Put "Week 744" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Jan. 12. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. This week's contest was suggested, and an even longer list of words contributed, by Russell Beland, who owns some version of the OED. The revised title for next week's contest is by Brendan Beary of Great Mills. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Dave Prevar.

Report From Week 740

in which we . . . well, we were a little vague, it seems, when we asked for clues that situations weren't working out well. But we ended up with lots of funny stuff of the Rodney Dangerfield variety, basically filling out the sentence "You know you're a loser when . . . ." Sometimes we just sit back and see what shows up. Something good usually does.

4.In order for the crossword to come out right, 14 Across has to be "Marie Antoineqte." (Marc Naimark, Paris)

3.When your wife went to shop for a new mattress, she took the dog. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

2. the winner of the electric fan that says "Hey Loser," etc.: When you said you could lick any man in the bar, you hadn't realized what kind of bar you were in. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And the Winner of the Inker

While you're haranguing the U.N. General Assembly about the superiority of your country's economic system, the sole falls off the shoe you are gesturing with. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

The Rest of the Botch

Your girlfriend will sleep with you only if you're asleep first. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

The entire office building where you run the pastry concession was just leased to Elite Model Agency. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

In your boxing match, you throw a punch and knock your IV bottle off the pole. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Your date sighs and says, "Uh-oh, my necrotizing fasciitis is flaring up again." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

At the wedding reception your bride says longingly, "He really IS the best man." (Jim Ward, Manassas)

The only place you can play hide-and-seek anymore is in old-growth forests. (Erica Hartman, Wilmington)

The marriage counselor asks your wife to dinner. (Mike Pool, Vienna)

Your dad tells your new boyfriend, "Just remember, I don't mind going back to prison." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Your wife's pimp called and said she had to work late again. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Your job interviewer gets up to go to the bathroom but says, "I'll be back. Just keep talking." (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Your dentist says, "Just hold on to this while I look something up . . ." (Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

The guard with the news about the governor's reprieve is carrying a menu. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Your obstetrician asks the nurse to hand her the can of WD-40. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

"Mr. Smith, we received the result of your recent IQ test . . . and I have brought along these finger puppets to help explain what it means." (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

"Milady Anne, His Majesty has canceled your appointment with the royal milliner." (Kevin Dopart)

During your driving test, you notice the cop pick bits of dog out of his hair. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

At the Christmas pageant you're directing at your church, the back of the Virgin Mary's blouse is tucked into her thong. (Beth Baniszewski)

The members of the parole board seem to be staring at the swastika on your forehead. (Russell Beland)

At your 20-year high school reunion, your old boyfriend looks at you quizzically and asks, "Now, what did you teach?" (Drew Bennett)

The interviewer keeps telling you that her eyes are "up here." (Chuck Smith)

Your first novel is reviewed in Landfill Finds Monthly. (John O'Byrne)

You ask the audience to name a place and a person during your improv comedy act, and they suggest the Bermuda Triangle and you. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

The babysitter says, "You mean there were four of them?" (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

"Sorry, Senator Dodd, the greenroom is for the candidates only." (Larry Schott)

You're running for president, and with the general election just 11 months away you realize there are still three farmers in Iowa and a diner waitress from New Hampshire you haven't even met! (Russell Beland)

"Mr. Cage, the applause sounds just like your piece '4'33" '!" (Kevin Dopart)

Your art collection becomes suspect when someone points out that the counterman in Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" is wearing an iPod. (Chuck Smith)

The loan officer wouldn't let you keep the Bic pen with the bank's name on it. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

"Reverend, we were looking for an increase in converts TO our church." (Kevin Dopart)

Your fortune cookie says, "Tip 30% for antidote." (Beth Baniszewski)

You get a thin envelope from Vanity Press Inc. with a form letter saying, "Your manuscript is not in line with our editorial standards." (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

Something looks just a little off about your Rollex watch. (Marjorie Streeter, Reston)

Next Week: Well, What Do You Know? or Gross Learnings and Deductions

View all comments that have been posted about this article.

© 2007 The Washington Post Company